jwalkernet

The Late-Night Movie

It's a quarter to five in the morning. I can't sleep. So I'm sitting up, sitting on my couch, watching TV. Some bad movie is on, the type of C-grade thriller that only airs at a quarter to five in the morning on a syndicated network. Does this stuff ever see theatrical release? Or is it specifically produced to occupy this kind of timeslot?

See, I can't just watch a movie. My obsession with film runs too deep. I can't just accept that it's a cheap thriller and leave it at that; I have to think about it. I analyze it. And some questions occur to me.

Do the actors in this movie (and the director, and everyone working on it) know that it's terrible? Are they actually convinced that what they're doing is entertaining, meaningful art? Or did the actor playing the villain have to do thirty-seven takes of the scene in which he yells to the hiding protagonist "Come out, come out, wherever you are!" just to get the disgust out of his voice? Does the screenwriter know he's a hack? Is he secure in this knowledge? Is he proud of it? Or did he read over his finished script with a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a loaded pistol in the other? Do his friends make fun of him behind his back? Does he even tell his friends what he actually does for a living, or do they all believe he's a librarian or something?

My biggest fear is that I'll end up like that guy. To me, that would be worse than never making it in the movie business: making it, only to find my movies playing on the WB at five a.m. on a Thursday.

Of course, I say that, but if some C-grade producer called me tomorrow and offered me a job directing crap like this, I'd be on a plane to Hollywood in a heartbeat. Directing crap is better than not directing at all.

Isn't it?