Journalistic edifice? Huh?

Saw this headline at CNN.com a few minutes ago:



"$$$"? Are you serious? Afraid people wouldn't understand if you wrote out "money"? Or "cash"? Are you writing the news, or a friggin' classified ad?

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Now playing: Our Lady Peace - The Birdman
via FoxyTunes

The Buzz can suck my [radio edit]

Remember the Mystery Band concert I mentioned the other day? The Buzz finally made the announcement today.

Who is it? Kid Rock.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

There's already something like a hundred tickets up on eBay.

I mean...I -- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Well, I was right: their sales plan made no sense...unless they were ripping you off. Fifty bucks for a Kid Rock concert? You hath been ripped off, says I.

Serves you right. Asshats.

But props to the Buzz: they got their money. Gotta do what you gotta do, right?

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Now playing: Regina Spektor - Prisoners
via FoxyTunes

!@#$%!

Why?!

Why do I listen to talk radio? All it does is make me angry, and I end up screaming alone in my car, shrieking at an idiot on the radio who can't hear me, and the other drivers look at me funny. I end up with a headache and a sore throat, and they're still stupid. Why do I do this to myself?

I was listening to former comedian Dennis Miller's radio show tonight. Now, I had a perfectly good reason -- he wasn't disseminating his usual conservative hackery. He was talking about old movies, and several callers were discussing old favorites that they can watch over and over again. I was bored, couldn't find the baseball game on the radio, so I listened to this instead.

And then, from nowhere, this dingbat named (I think) Cathy calls the show.

Hi, Dennis! I'm a really big fan of the show!

Okay. First of all: why do the callers of talk radio shows always feel it necessary to point out that they're big fans? Obviously you're a big fan, you're listening to it, and now you're calling the show.

Anyway:

I wanted to talk a little about the war.

Oh, man. Here we go. Still, this isn't Rush Limbaugh's show, or Sean Hannity's. How bad could it be?

You know, seems to me that the people who say we didn't do enough to prevent 9/11 are the same ones who say we shouldn't be in Iraq.

Um...yeah. Yes. We're called "liberals." We comprise a sizeable percentage of the electorate. Welcome to the now, Cathy!

You know, we have an all-volunteer army. I mean, I know it's sad when someone has to be sacrificed to protect our freedom, but...I mean, until they start drafting people, I don't think we have any right to complain.

W...What?!

What?!

So...because...the soldiers...volunteered to join...we can't complain when we send them overseas to die in a pointless war, and their sacrifice is wasted in a useless display of our President's ego and incompetence? Is that what you're saying? Did that sound rational when you thought it?

How...fucking...stupid....

Gaa!

Seriously. I gotta quit listening to the radio.

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Now playing: Kanye West - Barry Bonds
via FoxyTunes

Translation by CATS

I bought a cheapo wireless mouse at Wal-Mart today. No word on whether it will actually work or not -- it's got rechargeable batteries which need to charge for 12 hours before I use it for the first time. So I'm still waiting.

But it did provide me with an expected gift: the glorious User Manual*, which is a delight rarely experienced. My joy at English travesties in official settings is well-documented, and this little scrap of paper brings the goods like few others.

(*I say "User Manual" because they do, but it's really just a scrap of paper.)

Thank you for selecting this product! Your RF Wireless Rechargeable Optical Mouse uses a newly developed RF wireless technology 27MHz that replaces the traditional wired mouse. The receiver also can be used as a charger. So you need not worry about your battery will use out

And no, I didn't forget the period on the end of that sentence. They did.

The whole thing is written like this, you understand. Like the battery instructions -- or, rather, THE STEPS OF INSTALL BATTERY, which ask you to "Please prepare for two PCS new AAA (600mAH/1.2V) chargeable batteries".

I love this manual.

PRODUCT FEATURES
1.Radio frequency 27MHz,enjoy your freely wireless space
2.It has 256ID code, there is no interference even many mice being used at the same time
3.Automatically sleeping and manpower taking off dual functions, the battery life be prolonged

Seriously, what the fuck does #3 mean?

But the manual, in addition to being informative, is also helpful. For instance, in the section headed ATTENTION PLEASE, it suggests a way to preserve battery power: "You would better use the mouse on the white desk. In this way the batteries can used for a long time." Also, "The optical mouse will not work freely on so smooth desk, glass and any reflecting surface." But don't worry, "No need to check the digital connection within 10 seconds when change the batteries, if more than that please according to the above way to re-operate."

It's nice to know those Zero Wing translators can still find work.

Oh, well that's totally different

Overheard today at FedEx:

[A CUSTOMER is shipping a package to Australia. The CLERK gives her prices, and then talks about insurance options.]

CUSTOMER: Now, I don't want to buy any extra insurance. Is that what is?

CLERK: Well, no, it's not insurance, it's just...for, ya know, for in case something should happen. You'd be covered.

CUSTOMER: Oh. Well, okay, then. I'll do that.

ME: *slaps forehead*

That church really needs to sort out its priorities

So, let's follow the logic of the Catholic Church. (Oxymoronic, I know. But stay with me.)

Priest. Pedophile. Ignore the problem. Hope it goes away on its on. Don't get rid of priest. Move priest to somewhere else. Hope no one notices.

Many priests. Many pedophiles. Repeat previous solution.

Priest. Yells at skateboarders. Get puts on indefinite leave with threat of "further action." Humble public apology.

Then again, this priest was stupid enough to be recorded engaging in his malfeasance. Which can't be said about the other guys.

This is why I love having a camera

Tommy hated taking me to the movies.

Well, that's not exactly true -- he seemed to love taking me to see shitty movies, because of the delight he'd get from watching me squirm during their running time and growl afterwards. But there was a part of it that bugged him whenever I'd go off on some crappy movie we'd sat through.

"You always go looking for things to complain about," he'd say. He'd accuse of me of going out of my way to find plot holes and such, reasons to denounce the movie as bad.

Not true. I just notice those things.

At Job Number One, Airfon will often hand me a new piece of paper that's come into the building and say, "What's wrong with it?" Inevitably, I'll find something.

Again, I don't typically look for these things. I just see them. And it bugs me.

Moreover, I don't see how someone can not see them. Take this sign I saw this morning, for instance:



Obviously, a spelling error. A simple transposition. But it bugs me. How can no one notice? Or notice, but not tell those responsible to fix it? Or do those responsible know, and not care? (This is to say nothing of the fact that that should probably say chopped beef on the second line; I'm willing to excuse things like that on a marquee, when you have limited space.)

But then there are signs like the one I'm about to show you.

Now, I didn't go looking for anything wrong when I passed by this sign the first time. But I noticed something just the same. And then I noticed something else wrong with it. And then....

This sign, for those of you familiar with the geography of Dickinson, is located at the corner of Deats and Nichols, just past the railroad tracks. Delivering pizza, I pass this sign several times a day. So I get a chance to look at it a lot.



Seems perfectly innocuous, doesn't it? But this sign was made by crazy people.

About the only thing right on this sign is the name of the company and its contact information. That, and the arrow -- if you follow the arrow, you will find the Berry Field subdivision.

However:

1. You forgot the $ before 0 DOWN. This is petty, yes. But...
2. Yes, that says $500 MOVIE-IN. I don't know what a movie-in is. (I guess they meant move-in. But still, I don't know.)
   
3. "HWY 517 WEST" -- FM 517 is not a highway. It's a farm market road, hence FM 517. The difference is irrelevant perhaps, but it's still wrong.
4. Furthermore, FM 517 West is on the other side of town. Several miles away from Berry Field. Berry Field is on Nichols, which is off of FM 517 East. I know this, because I live on FM 517 East. Also, I'm not an idiot and I can read.
5. Lest you think that "west" is indicative of where you should go from 517 to get to Berry Field, I can stop that right here -- Berry Field is north of 517.
6. And furthermore, to turn left on Nichols from 517 and get to Berry Field, you'd have to be going east, not west.
   
7. So. It tells you to turn "LEFT ON NICHOLS." Except the sign is on Nichols, not on 517, and it faces Deats. If you turn left on Nichols from where the sign is, you'll go the wrong direction. In order to turn left on Nichols and get to Berry Field, the sign would have be about half a mile away. Do that, though, and the arrow would be pointing the wrong direction.

Somebody designed this piece of advertising. Someone else made it. It was shipped. It was put in its place. And no one noticed, "Hey, everything on this sign is wrong!"

And these people want to build you a house.

No, thank you.

You have to keep reading.

So last night, "Australia" by the Shins popped up on my iPod's random shuffle, and I was so delighted to hear the song for the first time in a few months that I listened to naught but the Shins for the rest of the night. Particularly that album, Wincing the Night Away, which might be my favorite album of 2007 so far. (The only other real contender is Modest Mouse's We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank, which gets bonus points for its swank title. Also, the lead singer of the Shins, James Mercer, shows up to sing backing vocals on three tracks.)

Anyway, when I got home I was bored, so I decided to keep up the Shins mania by reading some reviews of Wincing. And two things began to bug me as I read through them:

1. Every one of them -- and I mean every one of them -- felt compelled to refer to Natalie Portman's line of dialogue in Garden State, when she gleefully forces the (wonderful) song "New Slang" on Zack Braff, telling him the Shins will "change [his] life."

and

2. They all went out of their way to mention Mercer's oblique lyrics.

Now, I can't really argue with #2. His lyrics are quite cryptic at times. (Okay, most of the time.) But the annoying part was when the reviewers decided to use an example. When they did, they'd almost always reach to a specific line from "Australia," about "facing the dodo's conundrum." They'd almost chortle at how baffling that lyric is; then they'd usually say how it didn't matter because the song was enjoyable anyway.

Yeah, that's great, guys, except for one, small thing: you're all a bunch of idiots.

Apparently, they didn't bother to listen to the song they were criticizing for being incomprehensible, because the verse they reference goes like this:

You'll be damned to be one of us, girl
Facing a dodo's conundrum
I felt like I could just fly
But nothing happened every time I'd try

The incomprehensible line is, in fact, explained in the very next line. In-depth lyrical analysis.

(Incidentally, the same thing pops up in the other oddball line from the same song: in the third chorus, Mercer switches to "the android's conundrum," which has a lot of people in comment threads and in forums kerfluffled. Once again, the next line -- "I feel like I could just cry, but nothing happens every time I take one on the chin" -- explains everything.)

Fools! Fools, all of you!

(Questionable Content is hilarious, by the way. But if you haven't read from the beginning, or don't want to read through all 900+ (!!) archived strips, the story might lose you. But when it's this funny, why should it matter?)

(And 100,000 bonus Nerd Points if you (a) spotted the quote in today's title; and (b) realized it was a quote in the first place. You may not approach my level of Nerdery, but you're trying. And sometimes that's enough.)

The funniest sentence in the English language...

...is any one that is structured thusly:

I'm not a racist, but [horrifically racist statement].

I love when people say that to me. And they're always so very, very sincere, which is why it's funny -- they actually think they're not racist. They actually think that the slime coming out of them is okay -- 'cause they're not racist. No, really, they're not.

Being in Texas, as I am, I hear it most often regarding Hispanic people -- "I'm not a racist, but any Mexicans you see are illegal immigrants who eat burritos and jalapeños and are only good for mowing lawns and doing construction jobs. Hey, I'm not racist, that's just how it is." Right, right. Sure.

Yesterday, a co-worker at Job Number One approached and informed me (completely out of nowhere) that his daughter, whom I've not met, was secretly dating a black man, or so he believed. She was keeping it a secret, he said, because she knew he would "have a problem with that."

"I'm not a racist, but I just don't want my daughter dating a black man. I'm not okay with that. At all."

I guess he was looking for sympathy from me, what with me being a fellow member of the Pure Race. He got none, naturally, so he unloaded the glorious Racist-in-Denial Defense, which, as you know, is articulated thusly:

I'm not racist. I mean, I have friends who are [whatever group I am viciously slandering].

Right, right. Sure.

He kept looking for my approval. He didn't get it. "Am I wrong for thinking that?" he said.

"Yes," I said.

He thought for a minute. "You know, if she gets into an argument with me about it, she can always throw in my face that I married a woman from Mexico. Does that make me a hypocrite?"

"Yes," I said.

He thought about that, and seemed to take it well. Then he said, "I just don't want my grandchildren to be of a mixed race, you know? Maybe that's wrong."

"It is," I said.

Sigh.

Since lately it seems I can only communicate in YouTube videos, I give you a Family Guy take on a very similar situation.

That sound you heard was my jaw hitting the floor

"We made a mistake, Kate."

So. Lost. The season finale. "Through the Looking Glass."

If you're curious, I won the bet, but only because of a prearranged tiebreaker. We each got exactly one death right.

But the episode...my god. Two of the most extraordinary hours of television I think I've ever seen. Charlie the hero! Ben the...good guy? Maybe? We don't know! Walt's back (or is he?)! Locke the even-more crazy man! You can't kill Patchy! "Good Vibrations" is the key to rescue! Hurley saves the day! Sawyer goes all dark and evil (more than usual)! Jack admits his love for Kate! Alex finds out who her mother really is!

Wow.

And that was all before the big finish -- the last five minutes, which Lindelof and Cuse have been calling their "rattlesnake in the mailbox," for how quickly and completely it changes everything about the show. How unexpected, how cunning, how evil it is.

And they were not kidding. Not at all.

In the space of a single conversation, a simple exchange of words with two characters we already know, they turned Lost inside-out. Sent it "Through the Looking Glass," if you will.

Wow.

But it's being ruined by stupid people who are reading waaay too much into a comment Jack makes, in one of his flashbacks -- erm, uh, "off-island" scenes. A comment that's perfectly understandable, considering that he's drunk and on drugs and emotionally distraught.

He tells someone to go get his father, "the chief of surgery," and that if Jack is "more drunk than he is..." at which point he trails off. Of course, Jack's father is dead, and so can't be "gotten" from anywhere, and is probably not drunk.

Jack said this, of course, because he's drunk, on drugs, and emotionally distraught.

But not to hear Lost fans tell it. Most of them understand, but some are quick to jump out and start spinning theories about time travel and wormholes and alternate universes.

Guys: calm down. You're ruining this beautiful moment. And you're going to be disappointed when the truth turns out to be far, far simpler than you think.

Man oh man, what a spectacular finish to the season. How long until season four?

...February? Seriously?

...Huh.

*looks at watch*

This is what we've come to

A bunch of teachers got together and decided to stage a little improvisational theater for their students, to give them a little "learning experience":

Staff members of an elementary school staged a fictitious gun attack on students during a class trip, telling them it was not a drill as the children cried and hid under tables.

The mock attack Thursday night was intended as a learning experience and lasted five minutes during the weeklong trip to a state park, said Scales Elementary School Assistant Principal Don Bartch, who led the trip.

"We got together and discussed what we would have done in a real situation," he said.

Right.

What, exactly, can be learned from this experience? "When a crazy man with a gun is running around shooting people, hide!" Listen: if your students need a drill to learn that tactic, I think they've got bigger problems.

And the CAPCOM spake, saying "Let there be second-stage booster separation"

Spotted this driving home from BJ's the other day:



The church of NASA? Now there's a church I can get behind.

Speaking of churches and goofiness...



Yes, that's the church right across from Dickinson High School. Yyyyyeah.