Glenn Beck Is a Damn Lunatic

In other shocking news, the sun set this evening.

Seriously, though, I've never so badly in my life felt the urge to grab a YouTube video by its lapels and shout into its face, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!"



Really, now. Any idea what that meant? What that old Coca-Cola commercial had to do with anything? Does he honestly believe that the American life we need to get back to can be found in a goddamn advertisement? Not a fan of Mad Men, I take it, Glenn?

To answer your question, though: No, I don't remember what it was like in a "simpler" America. I grew up in the Reagan '80s. Surging poverty, crack cocaine explosion, crime up, our government illegally funding terrorists, the constant threat of nuclear annihilation. And before that, before I was born, what? Watergate? Vietnam? The Kennedy assassination? Segregation? The Great Depression? When the hell was this "simpler" time, you unbelievable horse's ass?

And don't even get me started on that insanely labored -- and laboriously insane -- party metaphor. Who were the "bad" kids taking us to this party? The Democrats? They haven't taken us anywhere, last I checked. And what fucking party is this at which we've stayed too late? I think he was trying to draw a verbal political cartoon but got lost into his own bullshit. So he cried. (And these were especially fake tears, Glenn, even for you.)

Someone commit this man before he hurts himself or someone else. Or, more likely, someone hurts him.

Atlas Smugged

(Or: A Man Chooses, a Slave Obeys, and a Hack Weeps for the Cameras, Hears Communist Propaganda in His Rice Krispies and Calls the President a Racist)

(Or: Would You Kindly Throw Yourself Down an Elevator Shaft?)

Yes, that's Glenn Beck on the cover of Time. Glenn Fucking Beck.

A few years ago, I referred to Beck in passing as the Most Obnoxious Man on Television. It was true then -- the impenetrable smugness, the pathetic attention-grabbing nature of his unwatchable "news" program. And his former masters at CNN Headline News -- not even real CNN, either, where even Lou Dobbs pulls down a paycheck -- at least seemed to recognize what they had in Beck: a delirious, inconsequential showman whose chortling nonsense was a good chaser for the comedy stylings of Nancy Grace.

But after he was unceremoniously kicked to the curb, he found a new home where he always should have been to begin with: Fox News, where the seeds of his insanity could be watered and nurtured until it could fully grow and bloom.

And oh, how it bloomed.

So, he's a nut. And hey, that's fine, there's room for nuts on television. Hell, didn't I mention Nancy Grace a few sentences ago? But the election of Barack Obama unleashed something very special in Beck. Something dangerous.

It turns out that Beck has something of a messiah complex. He started calling America to action, giving them rules for living better lives, insisting that his show and his show alone had the courage to "open the eyes" of America, rewrote Thomas Paine, and anointed himself the intellectual heir of Thomas Jefferson and Ayn Rand. He organized the 9/12 Project, an online effort which "galvanized" "millions" of "Americans" to his cause, drawn in as they were by his...uh...well, I'm not sure what exactly drew them in. Other than their fears of being taken over by godless Muslim Communists, a fear that Beck not only preyed upon but created out of thin fucking air. (Another commentator might suggest that all Beck did was put a marginally respectable face on the 9/12'ers and Teabaggers flagrant and deep-seeded racism, allowing them to vent their hateful rhetoric without having to expose to the world what rotten, awful apples they truly are. A commentator like President Jimmy Carter, for example. But not me.)

And now, this lunatic rampage has not resulted in Glenn Beck's dismissal from cable news, not resulted in his committal to a mental health facility, not resulted in him returning to where his views would be given the weight and attention they deserve (that is, scrawling them on sandwich boards and wandering down the streets, scaring small children) -- no, he's on the cover on Time goddamn magazine.

Next time anyone -- especially Glenn Beck -- argues about the liberal bias of the mainstream media, I want someone to hold up that magazine cover. "Look," you'll say. "The liberal, socialist mainstream media gave credence and credibility to your nonsensical bullshit. They put you on the cover of Time magazine, and wrote the accompanying article not as a scathing attack on you, but a fluff piece about your inexplicable success. Now, shut up and go back to transcribing your fever dreams for use on tonight's show. Look, I think that cloud looks like Karl Marx!"

Hey, there's never been a shortage of wackjobs shouting about evil shadow conspiracies. But we're not putting the 9/11 Truthers on magazine covers, are we? Spike Lee went on television and claimed the government blew up the levees in New Orleans, no one interviewed him for Time. I don't recall anyone holding million-man-marches in support of Kanye West when he accused George W. Bush of being a racist. But there's Beck, with his appropriately smug cover photo.

I don't like Glenn Beck very much. Have you noticed?

But there's something much deeper than that at work here. Beck's insanity is only a distraction, the carnival sideshow bearded lady pulling attention away from the rigged games and pickpocketers. See, because here's the world Beck and his cronies on the right want:

Welcome to Rapture. No government. No regulation. Just free enterprise, as free as possible.

(A mildly spoilerish discussion of the two-year-old game Bioshock follows. Consider yourself warned.)

Bioshock takes its premise from the Ayn Rand screed Atlas Shrugged, which is less a novel and more a treatise on Rand's philosophy of Objectivism. It boils down to this: government exists only to take from the rich (and thus productive) members of society and gift to the poor (and thus unproductive) members of society. The richer you are, the more valuable you must be to the world, and if you don't have any money it must be cause you don't have any value. Rand pondered how the world would suffer if she were to stop writing books, and thus came the plot of Atlas -- the rich get tired of their innovations being "abused" by society, tired of "holding up the world," so they leave it, forming their own secret city in the middle of nowhere.

This is also the backstory of Bioshock, which replaces Atlas's John Galt with Andrew Ryan, a business magnate who gets tired of paying taxes and decides to build a secret society in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. He gathers together brilliant scientists and artists and businessmen down there in Rapture, and they live the Utopian life you'd expect without that awful government intervention.

Of course, everything goes to hell, because it turns out that even in a society of "elites," somebody still has to mop the floors and clean the toilets, and nobody thinks it should be them. And Ryan's government-free Utopia collapses into insanity and violence. (Sure, there's a sci-fi element to the whole mess -- tiny eels that give people supernatural powers -- but that doesn't alter the basic metaphor I've got working here. And Rand used sci-fi in Atlas, too.)

Ryan built Rapture on the backs of the very poor he despised -- the "parasites" he longed so desperately to get away from. And Beck, along with most of the conservative right, are doing the exact same thing: they've somehow convinced legions of the poor that it's morally wrong to tax the rich. The right has convinced their supporters that the government is nothing more that a parasitic monster, leeching the hard work from the worthy and giving it to the unworthy and unvaluable. Those 9/12 fools, they think the government is going to take everything they have and give to illegal immigrants or something, cackling their moustaches and singing Russian drinking songs all the while.

This would be funny, if the fooled had something to take.



In typical post-Rove fashion, the Republicans have taken the very people health care reform should be helping and made them its staunchest opponents. They've taken the very people the free enterprise system has hurt the most and brainwashed them into thinking the President is a Communist. And the Democrats in Congress -- because they're Democrats in Congress -- have pretty much just let it happen.

I started this by talking about Glenn Beck, and I should finish it that way. Beck's compared often -- mostly by Beck himself -- to Howard Beale, the doomed news anchor from Network. But Beck can't seem to remember what finally did Beale in: pissing off his corporate bosses. Oh, sure, rile up the masses, get people to scream at their televisions, but step on the congolomerate's toes, and it's game over. But Beale had the courage -- or insanity -- to do it. Beck, on the other hand, is nothing more than a company man, a shill for the suits upstairs. Beale didn't want to tell you write your congressman because he wouldn't know what you should write; Beck knows exactly what you should tell the government, though he'd prefer if you'd just shout epithets and carry dumb signs, and don't forget to buy his book, on sale now!

Beale was a mad prophet; Beck is just a schmuck.

And I guess Beck's forgotten how Network ends, as well.

No worries...

Swiped from Chez.

FAIL

McCain's running mate. Our future commander-in-chief.

Dan Quayle 2K8

You have got to be shitting me.

This is who John McCain settled on for his vice president?

I mean... I mean...



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

She -- she's -- ...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

A first-term governor? A first-term governor of Alaska? What, was the Rhode Island assistant state comptroller not experienced enough with national security?

Are you fucking kidding me?

The thought process goes like this:

• Lots of women wanted Hillary to be the nominee.
• Some of them are bitter she's not.
• Sarah Palin is a woman.
• Those women will vote for McCain if he has Sarah Palin as his running mate.

That's pandering so obvious that it's insulting. The implication being that women will simply vote for anyone who has ovaries, simply to support the sisterhood or whatever.

Did I say implication? I meant she came right the fuck out and said it:

Palin mentioned Clinton by name in her speech, saying, "Hillary left 18 million cracks in the highest, hardest glass ceiling in America. But it turns out the women of America aren't finished yet, and we can shatter that glass ceiling once and for all."

The remark brought a mixed reaction from the Republican crowd; some women cheered, but there was also some low-pitched groaning and booing.

Forgetting, of course, that the "Obama doesn't have enough experience to be President!" argument is lost immediately. Palin makes Obama look like Teddy Roosevelt.

Forgetting, of course, that John McCain is 147 years old and has battled cancer four times and could, conceivably, fall over and die at any moment. This is who he'd want leading the nation if that should happen? What a revealing look into his decision-making prowess, no? Hell, if they were going to pick a woman, at least pick one who has some clue, right? A resumé with a little more beef on it, rather than just twenty-one months running Alaska, right?

Seriously: what. the. fuck?

It's a move of such naked desperation that I'm stunned. Are you really that afraid of Obama?

Perhaps you should be. 38 million people watched his convention speech last night, after all. A speech that was gorgeous, even by his standards -- we're talking Bartlett-level speechifying, folks.

Oh, the vice presidential debate is now must-see TV, is it not? Joe Biden will swallow this poor woman whole.

Am I being too harsh on her? Perhaps. Hey, after all, she was commander-in-chief of the Alaska National Guard.

How utterly, completely baffling.

Can't wait 'til November.

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Karma police, arrest this man!

Sometimes, people do get what they deserve: CNN political commentator/minion of Satan Glenn Beck missed his TV show last night because he fell down a flight of stairs.

That'll put a smile on my face all day today.

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And when Miranda sang, everyone turned away, used to the noose

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While you make pretty speeches, I'm being cut to shreds

Hey there, Senator Clinton. I know you won in South Dakota last night, and you gave a speech to rouse your supporters and everything, and you have a plan and you said you weren't going to be making any decisions. I know that. I just wanted to tell you something.



Scoreboard, Senator. Look up at it. You've lost. For reals this time.

Now. Go away. Before you start to do serious damage to the party. You've already destroyed yourself.

Oh, and Senator Obama? First of all, congratulations and good luck in November. But don't even think of naming Clinton your running mate. Don't you dare. Say it with me now: "unmitigated disaster."

That is all.

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Hey, is that Jerry O'Connell?

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And she deserves every goddamn word of it, too

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Trust me: you're completely dead

Time to face facts.

Actually, no -- the time to face facts was about a month ago.

Hillary Clinton has lost. It's over. Not even her precious Superdelegates are staying -- scurrying to Obama's camp like rats off a sinking ship.

Please go away. Please?

Pretty please?

You're turning the Democratic party into a joke. You're hurting our chances to beat McCain in November. And you're turning yourself in a laughingstock. Just stop, okay?

Please. Because after Tuesday night, your campaign looked a lot like this:



Don't delude yourself -- and try to delude us -- into thinking that if you just win West Virginia, you'll be back in it. You're not in it. It's over.

I beseech you, Hillary. Go away.

Forever.

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Well, shit

Sources have learned that, unsurprisingly, John Edwards is dropping out of the Presidential race. So much for my preferred candidate.

This leaves us with Clinton and Obama, and if the Democrats think Clinton will get elected in the general, they're friggin' crazy. Certifiable.

Okay, John: if you're going out, you can at least endorse Obama for us. Give us one last shot. You're our only hope.

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A hypocritical politician? A hypocritical Republican politician? No way!

I'm taking a short break from transcribing the handwritten work I did yesterday on Revolver (holy shit but my handwriting is terrible) to have some food and watch some Lost. Turns out Blu-ray video doesn't really look any different on a standard television, but the slick menus are nice.

In the meantime, here's a video on smarmy Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney. He's the Mormon, in case you're having trouble telling them apart. (Mike Huckabee is preacher who's friends with Chuck Norris, and Rudy Guliani is the one with 9/11 Tourette's. "Hey, Rudy, you want a sandwich?" "9/11!" "...What?" "Oh, um...what did you say?")



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Haven't posted one of these in a while

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Found it

I was talking to FRINAN the other day about Jon Stewart's legendary appearance on CNN's Crossfire a few years ago, and I just happened across the video:



The show, of course, was canceled shortly thereafter. Jon Stewart 1, Bowtie Brigade 0.

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Peace, love and understanding

Al Gore and the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change have been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Reactions to this are mixed.

I like the lady who says that global warming isn't happening because of us, and "there are many scientists out there" who say so. Oh, okay. With such robust research as that, how can I argue? Clearly, the many more scientists who agree with Mr. Gore are wrong.

Though there is a question as to why they've been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. If anything, he's just started a bunch of fights.

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!@#$%!

Why?!

Why do I listen to talk radio? All it does is make me angry, and I end up screaming alone in my car, shrieking at an idiot on the radio who can't hear me, and the other drivers look at me funny. I end up with a headache and a sore throat, and they're still stupid. Why do I do this to myself?

I was listening to former comedian Dennis Miller's radio show tonight. Now, I had a perfectly good reason -- he wasn't disseminating his usual conservative hackery. He was talking about old movies, and several callers were discussing old favorites that they can watch over and over again. I was bored, couldn't find the baseball game on the radio, so I listened to this instead.

And then, from nowhere, this dingbat named (I think) Cathy calls the show.

Hi, Dennis! I'm a really big fan of the show!

Okay. First of all: why do the callers of talk radio shows always feel it necessary to point out that they're big fans? Obviously you're a big fan, you're listening to it, and now you're calling the show.

Anyway:

I wanted to talk a little about the war.

Oh, man. Here we go. Still, this isn't Rush Limbaugh's show, or Sean Hannity's. How bad could it be?

You know, seems to me that the people who say we didn't do enough to prevent 9/11 are the same ones who say we shouldn't be in Iraq.

Um...yeah. Yes. We're called "liberals." We comprise a sizeable percentage of the electorate. Welcome to the now, Cathy!

You know, we have an all-volunteer army. I mean, I know it's sad when someone has to be sacrificed to protect our freedom, but...I mean, until they start drafting people, I don't think we have any right to complain.

W...What?!

What?!

So...because...the soldiers...volunteered to join...we can't complain when we send them overseas to die in a pointless war, and their sacrifice is wasted in a useless display of our President's ego and incompetence? Is that what you're saying? Did that sound rational when you thought it?

How...fucking...stupid....

Gaa!

Seriously. I gotta quit listening to the radio.

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The self-fulfilling prophecy

Before I head off to work, one quick thing: Bush has apparently decided that he will follow the advice of General Petraeus and start withdrawing troops next year. Before you get too excited, he's only talking about bringing home 30,000 of them...which would bring us back to the level prior to the idiotic "surge" put into effect earlier this year.

And it's a big shock Bush is following Petraeus's advice, let me tell you. Especially considering Bush was saying the same things Petraeus said before Petraeus said it to Congress. And the White House wrote the friggin' report anyway. And furthermore, everything Petraeus said was bullshit to begin with.

How much longer until January 2009?

Baby, can you dig your man?

In The Eyes of the Dragon, Stephen King positions the villain not as the ruler of the kingdom of Delain, but as the advisor in the shadows: Flagg, the King's magician. Of course, Flagg is more than he appears, and we learn he's actually been living for several hundred years, coming to Delain under various names and disguises, and attempting the destroy the government every time. In the novel, he is the architect of King Thomas's rise to power, and becomes indispensable -- young Thomas panics when he thinks Flagg will leave him and pleads with him to stay. Flagg, of course, does, and nearly succeeds in his plan.

King explains Flagg's methodology: He could make himself the King, no question, but why? When things go bad, people blame the King. Flagg prefers to be the whispering voice in the King's ear, let everything go to hell, and then vaporize when the tipping point is reached and the populace comes for the King's head.

I was reminded of this a few moments ago when I read that Karl Rove has resigned:

Karl Rove, President Bush's close friend and chief political strategist, plans to leave the White House at the end of August, joining a lengthening line of senior officials heading for the exits in the final 1 1/2 years of the administration.

On board with Bush since the beginning of his political career in Texas, Rove was nicknamed "the architect" and "boy genius" by the president for designing the strategy that twice won him the White House. Critics call Rove "Bush's brain."[...]

Rove became one of Washington's most influential figures during Bush's presidency. He is known as a ruthless political warrior who has an encyclopedic command of political minutiae and a wonkish love of policy. Rove met Bush in the early 1970s, when both men were in their 20s.

Once inside the White House, Rove grew into a right-hand man.

Seriously, I should be glad he's gone. But I'm just creeped out. As I always am by Rove.

I mean, he can't be Randall Flagg, can he?

...Can he?

The Republicans will probably just filibuster that, too

So apparently Michael Vick is pissing off everybody -- including Congress:

Fallout intensified Friday from NFL star Michael Vick's indictment on charges linked to dogfighting, a practice that a longtime lawmaker denounced as "barbaric" on the floor of the U.S. Senate.

Democratic Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia, who has addressed lawmakers often about his love for animals, shook with emotion during a forceful condemnation of dogfighting.

"Hundreds of thousands -- if not millions -- of dollars are often at stake in the breeding, the training and the selling of fighting dogs. How inhuman, how dastardly!" shouted the senator. "The training of these poor creatures to turn themselves into fighting machines is simply barbaric."

Senate criticism increased Friday as Sen. John Kerry said he had sent a letter to the NFL commissioner calling for Vick's immediate suspension.

"Dogfighting is one of society's most barbaric and inhumane activities," Kerry wrote to Commissioner Roger Goodell.

"As the most popular team sport in America, professional football has a responsibility to showcase the highest levels of behavior and sportsmanship," Kerry's letter said.

The 2004 Democratic presidential nominee also said he planned to introduce anti-dogfighting legislation.

Kerry's proposal would make it illegal to transmit images of dogfighting, to run Web sites that cater to dogfighting, and to won or train dogs for the purpose of fighting, according to his office.

Not that I don't admire what you're doing, there -- dogfighting is repulsive and should be stopped. But...this is what you're fighting for? To save dogs? There's a President over there responsible for the needless deaths of thousands of humans, and you're not doing much to stop him.