Better late than never

I didn't finish on time, but I still finished: my new Saying Story, "If You're Going to Preach, for God's Sake, Preach with Conviction," is now posted. Go read the fucking thing you fuckers You may read the story, if you'd like.

As is tradition, when I publish something, you get a music video. This time, it's an old live performance from the mid-'90s: it's Spacehog performing one of the greatest songs of the decade, "In the Meantime."

Never tell me the odds

In writing this blog post, I am taking a short break from putting together my first Saying Story of 2009. This go-round, we're using song lyrics as our inspiration; my story (indeed, all of my stories this year) will concern, thusly, a fictitious totally real rock band. Look, here's the cover of their first album.


It won't be finished until tomorrow, but I thought I'd use this space to remind you that I actually used to write and publish things. No, really, I did. Here, as proof, is a list of my favorite things that I've written. If you think I'm forgetting something, I implore you to remind me.

• That's When I Reach for My Revolver. I like the entire series, and I'm in love with all of my characters, but the popular consensus seems to be that "Halloween" has been the best episode thus far. "The Long and Winding Road" and "Brand New Day" were the most fun to write. And a new episode is coming. No, really. The title (at this very second) is "Sugar, We're Goin' Down."
• "The Storyteller, the Dragon and the Great Decree" -- so far outside of my style that it feels like I'm making fun of someone. Also the story that took me longest to write out of anything I've done: concept to final draft took a couple of years. Some feel the wait was worth it. I know René does.
• "Owl-Stretching Time" -- from last year's Saying Stories. There's not much of a narrative to speak of (unless you count Monty's monologue), but I've never loved writing a story more. Looking back on it a year later, I still like the voice I managed to find to capture Stacy's attitude and worldview. And I said everything I need to say about friendship, I think.
• I used to write cool things on this blog, too. For instance, the guy who "created" Lost is a whiny tool. René and I saw the Tragically Hip at Scout Bar and were the only Americans in the room. Obnoxious pro-lifers kind of irritate me. Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte are fucking assholes (and the Pettitte thing was even before the steroids story broke). I can't stay quiet while watching the Feud. I certainly wasn't surprised when Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip was canceled. Apparent apathy on the part of my paltry audience doomed the project after only one installment, but I'm still proud of my Guns N' Roses dissertation. Before I turned it into an entire writing project of its own, bitching about my pizza delivery job was fun. Stephen got married, and I got sentimental. My sister and I review Cloverfield.

Back to writing now. I need to finish. I will finish.

Anyone taking odds on my success? Not good, are they?

Don't stop believin'

I didn't finish the Saying Story I was supposed to write this month. I've posted what I've done over at the site, if you'd like to take a look. Yes, it does just sort of cut to black in the middle of a conversation. But so what?



Hey, if David Chase can get away with it, goddammit, so can I.

A few notes

I've decided on the name of the next Revolver episode: "Hey Jealousy." It works on a few levels, as you'll see. (Assuming the title remains the same. Which it probably won't. You know how it goes.)

I've also resumed posts at A Great Disservice, if you hadn't noticed.

And now I see that there are new things on each post here: a place to give star ratings for my posts. I didn't ask for this. I don't know why it's there. But it's there. You can rate my posts if you want. I certainly won't mind. If the ratings are good, anyway. Never mind. It's gone now. What the hell?

And then here: watch this.



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Now playing: Gin Blossoms - Hey Jealousy
via FoxyTunes

Told you so

My new story, "Owl-Stretching Time," is available over at Saying Stories. Please let me know what you think. And read the others, as well -- I like what I've seen of René's play.

As per usual, with a story comes a music video.



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Now playing: Joni Mitchell - Blue
via FoxyTunes

...ticktock, ticktock, ticktock...

Of course, my new Saying Story is due before midnight tomorrow. And I have a packed social calendar for tomorrow, and I have work tonight. And I have to sleep sometime.

So why am I talking to you?

Because I can't sit and write one thing for any extended period of time without a break. Consider this my pressure valve. I could play Rock Band some more, but I'm afraid it will difficult to get me to stop. So I post here.

Look for the story soon. If things go as planned, it'll be up tomorrow morning. If not -- well, we'll see.

Okay -- back to it!

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Now playing: Death Cab for Cutie - I Will Possess Your Heart
via FoxyTunes

Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts? Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze?

In 1975, Pink Floyd was exhausted. They had just come off an endless tour supporting their genre-defining masterwork Dark Side of the Moon. With that record, they had finally achieved everything they'd wanted in music -- fame, fortune, critical respect, unparalleled success -- but they felt defeated and lost. They needed to quickly follow up on Dark Side to keep their commercial momentum, but the studio sessions did not progress easily. The three songs they had written on tour were arranged and structured to be recorded simply because they were already done and wouldn't require any effort. But even so, the band went about the process lethargically -- just going through the motions. They just weren't feeling it.

And then Roger Waters -- the Floyd's main songwriter and creative force at the time -- hit upon inspiration. Since the entire band was on this same page emotionally, why not use that as the focus for their music? They ditched two of the already-written songs (though they'd turn up on a later album, Animals) and started fresh, composing new material that reflected their miserable, isolated state of mind. The other finished track -- a mournful elegy called "Shine on You Crazy Diamond," an ode to former bandleader Syd Barrett -- was reworked into a two-part suite that bookended the new material.

Though the process started mired in agony, the resulting album -- aptly titled Wish You Were Here -- is today hailed by all members of the band as their favorite. And it only happened because the Floyd were willing to accept their situation as hopeless, shake themselves out of their inertial stupor and take a fresh look at things. They used their biggest stumbling block and used it as inspiration.

This little bit of musical history is a long way of telling you that my planned Saying Story for this month, "Miles and Miles and Miles and Miles and Miles," is not going to happen. It was a great idea when I had it -- it's still a great idea -- but I'm not in the headspace to write it, and haven't been for a while. Just like the Floyd, I kept plugging away at it because it was the only idea I had. But now I've accepted the inevitable, and decided to put aside. (Though I may end up writing it at a later time -- I still like the story.)

Instead, I've followed the example of Roger Waters and turned my interminable funk inside-out. The resulting story -- which I'll probably write this weekend, in one sitting if I can manage it -- is an attempt to work through the shrouded and black mental state that's prevented me from writing in the first place. Turn into the skid, yeah?

Look for the new story, "Owl-Stretching Time," on Wednesday.



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Now playing: Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
via FoxyTunes

Count your blessings

1. Ah, yes: it's baseball season again. And the Astros' pumped-up new starting lineup got things going exactly the way you'd expect them to -- by losing their first two games, scoring all of one run in the process (and that came on a bases-loaded walk). But then last night, they blasted four home runs off two future Hall of Famers, made Trevor Freaking Hoffman blow a save, and won 9-6. So clearly they can hit when they need to. Which is a relief. And I like the way they're playing so far, despite the lack of scoring in the first two games. (And in their defense, they were up against two excellent pitchers in Jake Peavy and Chris Young. But still.) I remain cautiously optimistic, especially because we still don't have our full lineup out there yet (Kaz Matsui is still out with...um, an unfortunate injury), and we also play in the National League Comedy Central, the worst division in all of baseball. It's a total crapshoot.

2. I bought Beth Kinderman's album, All of My Heroes Are Villains, and you should, too. I've talked about her music at length before, but this is a real record -- recorded in a studio with a band and everything. It sounds phenomenal, particularly "Hannibal Lecter" and "Valley." So you should buy it. It came with a free bumper sticker, too. Here's a rundown, in my patented iTunes-screenshot review style:



3. I also bought Saturday Nights & Sunday Mornings, the new Counting Crows album, and it's probably their best record since Recovering the Satellites over ten years ago. Trust me: the catharsis to be found in singing the last verse of "Come Around" at the top of your lungs cannot be understated. "And one of the million lies she said / Is, 'Everything you love is dead' / But I've seen what she thinks is love, and it leaves me laughing / So we'll still come around."



4. Rock Band is the single greatest multiplayer game ever made. It's also the best music game ever made. It is impossible to describe how fun it really is. Our band, Scott Tenorman Must Die, broke the 500,000 fan threshold last night and earned our spot in the Rock Band Hall of Fame. Our best song? "Epic," of all things. We own these setlists. Except for "Green Grass and High Tides," which we have yet to complete. Not even once. But it's getting there.

5. For serious this time: I've restarted work on my Saying Story for this month, "Miles and Miles and Miles and Miles and Miles." It's about vampires. And ghosts. And the Who. What's not to love? You can check my progress with Regina Spektor in the sidebar.

6. Though most of it isn't written down, I have almost the entirety of the next Revolver episode in my head. So as soon as "Miles" is out of the way, that'll be coming.

7. My friends are surprisingly patient and supporting of my problems. (Though one of them, of course, laughs in my face when something bad happens, he sends very considerate e-mails.) Everything fell apart for me at once last month; on Tuesday, I think I made the first step toward building them back up again. And they'll be there when I do. Breathing a sigh of relief, I'm sure -- I'm insufferable when I'm depressed. Thank you, guys.

That list was longer than I thought it would be. But then, that's the point in counting them, isn't it?

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Now playing: Beth Kinderman - Princess
via FoxyTunes

This is the first time I've ever met a deadline in my life, no kidding

My short story, "Stealing Signs", was posted with fifteen minutes to spare. If you'd like to read it, you may do so at the fancified blog that Robby and René set up for our little project, Saying Stories. Their stories are pretty good -- read them as well. It's an interesting project, to say the least, and it will do what I really need to get my creative energies going -- force me to write. Yay for holding a gun to my head!

I seem to have started a tradition of posting a live concert YouTube video whenever I post something I've written, so let it continue with the Dave Matthews Band playing my favorite song, "Warehouse," in front of 120,000 people in Central Park.



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Now playing: The Decemberists - The Tain
via FoxyTunes

Read 'em and weep

Those are the sloppy, unreadable handwritten pages of my now-completed saying story, "Stealing Signs." This one's in the bag, kiddies.

Jesus, I have a lot of typing to do before midnight.

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Now playing: David Bowie - Suffragette City
via FoxyTunes

This post is a perfect example of why I can't manage to get any writing done in my house

I just redid the Links section of this here blog, which you can see down there on the right. Great websites, all.

And damn Tycho to hell -- I read about Garfield Minus Garfield in someone else's blog post yesterday, but he got around to hyping it before I got a chance. Bastard!

In addition to buying the new Beth Kinderman album, this weekend will probably also find me purchasing the Lost video game. As previously discussed, I simply cannot help myself: I am a Lost whore. Nothing can be done.

I just remembered that I bought Stephen King's Duma Key, like, two weeks ago, and haven't really started reading it yet. I'll get to it. Some day.

Is that enough procrastination for you? Can I actually get some work done now?

*shakes Magic 8-ball*

Very doubtful.

Figures.

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Now playing: Dave Matthews Band - Cornbread
via FoxyTunes

Typical situation

A timeline of this afternoon:

1:30 PM. Returned home from Job Number Two. Checked e-mail, checked my RSS reader for website updates. Decided to work on my short-story-in-progress, "Stealing Signs."

1:45 PM. No work done.

2:15 PM. No work done.

2:25 PM. No work done.

2:35 PM. Did some mild reorganizing of my 100 Favorite Albums list, worked on a new version of my 100 favorite songs list, read the Wikipedia articles on a few Modest Mouse albums. Designed an awesome Modest Mouse playlist for my iPod. No words written on the short story.

2:45 PM. Grabbed my notebook, left the house. Went to Village Pizza and Seafood. Ordered a sandwich and some onion rings. Alone, with no distractions, wrote three pages in fifteen minutes.

Same as it ever was. My apartment is the enemy of productivity.

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Now playing: Modest Mouse - The Stars Are Projectors
via FoxyTunes

Damn you, Google!

As promised, the new episode of That's When I Reach for My Revolver is up. The title changed again, as you see. It's a good thing I let it sit for a few days, too -- upon further review, I found I'd neglected to include an entire character's plot. Oops. This was corrected, and the word count expanded well beyond my original goal. Uh, yay, I s'pose.

Unfortunately, as you'll notice if you head over there, I can't publish the episode directly to the blog. I wrote in Word, see, then uploaded it to Google Documents, thinking I could publish it straight to the blog from there. And I can, except for two problems: 1) the episode is apparently too long, and Google Docs simply no-sells my publishing attempts; and 2) even if it did work, a shorter test post proved that it would jack my formatting all to hell.

So, instead, I just posted it as a separate document via Google Docs, as I did with "The Great Decree." I hope this doesn't upset anyone too much.

A few notes. At one point, the stage directions call for the song "Thirty-three" by Smashing Pumpkins. If you have this song on your computer, by all means play it when it comes up. If not, you can play this video in another browser window.

You may remember me talking about a Revolver short story, which I started and abandoned. I threw it out because most of it was simply an excuse to tell one simple anecdote about Patrick and Rebecca, and that was the only part I cared about. Well, look no further: that anecdote is the one Rebecca tells Angela in scene three. And no, it's not in part inspired by an actual event in the author's life, how silly of you to think that.

I think that's it. Any questions or comments, you know where to find me. In the meantime, enjoy the episode. If you like it, tell your friends. Also, if you like it, tell me. I like feedback.

And when you're done, here's the one and only Van Morrison. No one has a good video of "Astral Weeks," so here's a rather boisterous live version of "Cyprus Avenue," which is on the same album.



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Now playing: Van Morrison - Astral Weeks
via FoxyTunes

You can write, but you can't edit

Well, would you look at that -- the eleventh episode of Revolver is done.

I haven't uploaded it yet, so don't bother looking for it. I wrote the last half very, very quickly (a good chunk of it by hand while sitting at Brake Check), and I've decided to let it sit for a few days, then go over it to make sure it's restaurant-quality.

The finished episode will be presented to you, the viewing public, on Thursday night/Friday morning. This is a promise, friends. The title I've settled on is "Synchronicity I," but this could change six or seven times before you see it.

And thank you for your help, Regina. It was greatly appreciated.

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Now playing: The Mars Volta - Miranda, That Ghost Just Isn't Holy Anymore
via FoxyTunes

Time-filling nonsense post -- go!

Last week, I learned that the drive from my house to Job Number Two is exactly the length of The Decemberists' "The Tain." Today, I found out that the drive from my house to Pizza Place is exactly the length of LCD Soundsystem's "All My Friends."

I bought a six-pack of toilet paper last week. The packaging lists the usual pertinent information -- length of each roll, number of sheets, etc. -- and then lists...the total area of all the paper. Something like 180 square feet. This may be the most useless piece of information ever printed. Unless someone is going to use the stuff as wallpaper, I don't really see the need.

And Revolver is coming along. Regina is definitely working her Russian folk magic over there -- my efforts have been steady. This is actually the biggest problem for me: getting myself to work on it every day until it's done. And since enlisting the aid of a Regina Spektor JPEG, I have indeed written at least one word every single day. (On Friday, I in fact did write one word. The word was "fucking." Seriously.)

And in closing, here is some Mystery Science Theater 3000. Have a nice day.





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Now playing: LCD Soundsystem - All My Friends
via FoxyTunes

The Regina Spektor motivational public word counter

Goddammit, I need to finish Revolver.

The most effective method of motivation I ever used was a public word counter: I was a writing a short story with a planned length of six thousand words. So every day, I would write my current word count on the dry erase board on our refrigerator (this is when I was living with Tommy). So every day, everyone could see whether or not I'd done any work on it.

The thing was finished in eight days, with a word count somewhere north of eight thousand words. Success!

You can't argue with success, so I bring back that same idea. I still have the dry erase board, but the pen has been lost and some idiot (*cough* FRINAN *cough*) wrote a quote from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on it in permanent marker, so it's unusable. Plus, I live alone.

So, instead, I use the dry erase board that is the internet and display my word count on this here blog. Of course, a big reason it worked before was that I could sense the disappointment in those around me when I didn't accomplish anything; I can't see your faces over the internet.

With that in mind, I found someone who, frankly, has a nicer-looking face than you anyway.


With Regina Spektor in tow, I am now prepared to make a serious run at this thing. I mean, who would want to disappoint Regina? Not me.

The goal for this episode -- which is now on its sixth title, "A Long December" -- is 8000 words. How long will it take? You and Regina are going to find out. But if this doesn't work, I am officially out of ideas.

Last year, I made a New Year's resolution to write six episodes; I wrote one. The taste of failure is bitter, friends. I shall not partake of it again.

To victory!

(God, I should get more sleep.)

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Now playing: Regina Spektor - Reading Time With Pickle
via FoxyTunes

Burned

Last week, I posted Shades 0, so I guess it's only right to also show you our follow-up.

The YouTube description I wrote:

From the director of SHADES 0...

Did you know that illegally downloading music is not only unfair to the artists and a blatant violation of federal copyright laws, but can also get you KILLED? That Kazaa and Bittorrent are not just portals to free media, but portals to HELL? That while you may avoid buying the music, you'll still end up selling...YOUR SOUL?!

Watch BURNED, and have your eyes opened. Based on a true story, this "masterpiece of breathless relentlessness"* lifts the veil and shows you the real consequences of file-sharing. And I think you know what consequences I'm talking about. I'm talking about DEATH.

*An actual quote from MaryAnn Johanson at www.flickfilospher.com. Though she was talking about "The Bourne Ultimatum" when she said it, not this film.

Essentially, it's a cinematic Chick Tract -- one-dimensional characters, a token moral dilemma, shoddy research (check out those statistics at the beginning!), a ludicrous climax, and a message delivered with the subtlety of a photon torpedo. Chick's strips operate in an all-or-nothing universe, where there is no middle ground between right and wrong -- his world is black-and-white, just like his strips...and so too is this film.

If I had a chance, I'd go back and reshoot this one again -- or, hell, if I had another crack at the raw footage, I'd just do some minor editing tweaks. The entire film was shot in a single day, and some breathing space would have allowed for a few retakes of critical scenes. (If you watch me chewing René out after the credits, that's why I was so upset -- screwing up the dialogue forced us to shoot another take, and we didn't have time.) The music is also too loud in a few places, obscuring the dialogue. But at least the YouTube-sized video obscures one of the biggest problems -- you can't really tell, but my camera's auto-focus went berserk during a lot of the scenes in Ian's (my) apartment, causing everything to blur and clear up again quite randomly.

But even with all of that, I still think Burned is pretty funny, and certainly skewers the fanatical response to P2P downloading (and we made this in 2003 -- the fervor has not died down at all, has it?). I hope you enjoy it.



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Now playing: Mike Krahulik and Jerry Holkins - 05/11/2007 Disparities
via FoxyTunes

*sigh*

I started writing the next Revolver episode about, oh, four months ago. I didn't like how it started, so I ditched it and started over. That file became corrupted, so I had to start over. That file got lost in the cracks when I switched computers, so I started over. This time, to avoid all that, I started writing it out by hand. And then I left my notebook at Pizza Place on accident, and Big Boss threw it away. So now I have to start over again. Again.

Defeated, I offer you only this meme.

Go to the Wikipedia home page and click random article. That is your band's name.
Click random article again; that is your album name.
Click random article 15 more times; those are the tracks on your album.

Band: KRVA
Album: Deschamps
Tracks:

1. It Don't Matter
2. Dragon's Mouth
3. Fictional Actuaries
4. Delčevo Municipality
5. Kishti Tomita
6. Hilda Toledano
7. Course Deviation Indicator
8. Skagway, Alaska
9. L-Plate
10. Zombie Island Massacre
11. Eucatoptus
12. East Brooklyn
13. Walter Dandy
14. Satellite (Moth)
15. United Nations Security Council Resolution 53

Somebody has to write a song called "Zombie Island Massacre." And "United Nations Security Council Resolution 53," for that matter.

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Now playing: Bloc Party - Luno
via FoxyTunes

Shades 0

Hey, look -- it's Shades 0, the short film I directed eighty years ago! (Actually, it was five years ago, according to the calendar. But I don't buy it.)

The YouTube description I wrote:

Vacant Studios presents...SHADES 0!

Bad acting! Bad editing! Worse sound! Questionable camera work! 'Shades 0,' the homemade no-budget prequel to another homemade no-budget movie of which no copies still exist!

In 'Shades,' we met Stephen Howard, a visionary filmmaker struggling to succeed despite rampant incompetence (his own, and those around him). We heard only tales of his previous glory. But now, the full story can be known. 'Shades 0' follows the younger, idealistic Stephen Howard as he films his first smash hit, 'Atom Smashers 3: The Return of the Noble Gas.'

Watch as he assembles his cinematic dream team: Wu Chang Tcran, the Taiwanese screenwriter who ends up filling in wherever he's needed (because Howard forces him to)! Academy Award-winner Val-John Pierce, whose talent doesn't even come close to overshadowing his egotism, homophobia and racism! Nathaniel Stonesmithson, the man in the movie with the most ridiculous name! And the director's secret weapon -- his brother, Clint Howard! (Not that one!)

You're guaranteed to leave 'Shades 0' laughing! Well -- okay, maybe not *guaranteed.* Okay, you probably won't find it funny. Unless you were in it. And even then, maybe not.

(Filmed at our various homes sometime in late 2002/early 2003. Preserved here for all to see, thanks to the magic of the internet.)

I'd say more, but it really should stand on its own. Enjoy! I hope!

(And it's over thirty minutes long, and filled with profanity, so make sure you've got the time and the proper viewing environment.)



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Now playing: Cake - End of the Movie
via FoxyTunes

You can blame Airfon for this, if you're looking for someone

So I get lots and lots of stupid customers at work, as I may have mentioned one or two thousand times. My manager, Airfon, has told me repeatedly to write them down.

For some reason, I listened to him. So yes, I'm asking you to read more of my crap. Blame him.

As it says over there, I'll update three times a week. If I actually pull that off for a month, I think I should received some sort of prize.

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Now playing: DragonForce - Through the Fire and Flames
via FoxyTunes