Monday, January 22, 2007

Every now and then I get a little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry

"Wait a minute -- you guys aren't protesters, are you?"
"What, you mean those dickheads with the signs and the pictures of dead babies and shit? Fuck no! Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice. A woman's body's her own fuckin' business."

So, yesterday, while I was delivering pizza, I had to drive past the big Catholic church/school/playground/indoctrination center/thing that's half a block from Pizza Inn about three dozen times. And it's January, which means they've erected their own personal Master of Puppets cover in their front yard: long, long rows of white crosses, grave markers, each representing a million abortions. You can always count on the Catholics to cheer you up during these depressing winter months.

But there's all these crosses, right, and I suppose I can deal with it. I mean, it is a striking visual, no doubt about that. Of course, the implication is that our country would somehow be better off if we were burdened with an extra 45 million people who weren't even wanted in the first place, and I can't agree with that. But they have their beliefs, and they have their demonstration, and that's fine. I don't get why they only put it out there for a few months at the beginning of each year -- abortions are less a deal in June, I guess. But whatever.

(EDITED TO NOTE: Of course, not thirty seconds after posting this, I realized why: today is the anniversary of Roe v. Wade. Fuckin' duh. And I knew that already, too, because I had already told several people weeks ago. I'm an idiot.)

I started to get a little weirded out, though, when I spotted some of the churchgoers leaving the building to take snapshots of the display. Not just one or two, but several pictures, like they were arranging a panoramic collage. Why? So you can remember not to have a abortion? To thrust in the face of your teenage daughter during one of your hellfire-and-brimstone lectures? To show off to all of your friends and ensure you never, ever get invited to the really good parties? I don't know.

But apparently, they need all the help they can. Because several rows of white crosses and three different signs just aren't enough to get their anti-abortion message across, around two o'clock I spotted some jagoff walking up and down the sidewalk in front of the crosses wearing a sandwich board. On one side, the word ABORTION and a smiling baby. On the other? A dead fetus.

Only a few times in my life have I as badly wanted to beat the living shit out of someone.

I couldn't believe this guy. And it is always a guy, isn't it? It's always some fucking man out there with the dead baby pictures. It's always men who kill the doctors and blow up the clinics. We men, who will never have to make the decision, are the ones who want to make sure women can't make the decision, either.

This used to drive my mother ballistic. Everytime some Republican gasbag would get up on TV and rant about abortion, she'd start yelling back. (Everyone who's seen me yell back at Fox News, you now know where I learned it.) She'd scream about men treating women like incubators, sperm receptacles, carriers for their glorious offspring.

So the guy is already pissing me off, just for being a guy in the first place. But a fucking dead fetus? Come on. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Actually, let me adjust the emphasis on that sentence: What the fuck is wrong with you?

He walked back and forth for a good while, dead fetus proudly displayed on his back. Not only is this revolting, and unbelievably obnoxious (that sounds like too minor a word to use, but I can't think of a stronger one), but it's just flat-out stupid: You're standing in front of an anti-abortion demonstation, you fuck! How much more good is your disgusting photograph going to do?

This leaving out my biggest problem, which is the Catholic -- no, just go ahead and make that the religious desire, the religious need to shove their beliefs in everyone's face. If you think abortions are wicked, don't have an abortion. If you think having sex with another man will get you sent to hell, don't have sex with another man. If you think Marilyn Manson records are tools of the devil, don't listen to them. Jesus!

What kills me is that I know with almost complete certainty that this dick has never known someone in that situation. He's never known a woman who's had to make that choice.

I have. So I don't take kindly to assholes like Sign Guy, who carelessly and thoughtlessly shove photos in your face to make you feel like a monster.

He was out there for about an hour, I'd say. I didn't seem him leave. I hope it was in an ambulance. Fucker.

*deep, cleansing breath*

And now, to leave you in a better mood than I started in, I give you the most ridiculous music video ever made: Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Oddly enough, the song was written by Jim Steinman, who wrote all three of Meat Loaf's Bat out of Hell albums. You can tell.

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