Oh, how true

Once again, Penny Arcade rolls twenties.

Riding low in my chair, she won't know that I'm there/If I can hand it in tomorrow, it'll be all right

Sometimes, someone out there writes something so full of awesome I can do nothing but slowly clap and provide a link.

Hence: Scenes from an Alternate Universe Where Saved by the Bell, Rather Than Law and Order, Became the Dominant Television Franchise for a Generation.

*slow clap*

What is it with our generation and our fixation on Saved by the Bell? Any theories? I was flipping through channels a couple of weeks ago and came across an episode on TBS. It was the episode in the mall -- not the Christmas episode, where Zack falls for the homeless girl; no, the one where they're trying to get U2 tickets and Lisa comes across the shopping bag full of money and hijinks ensue. Don't insult me by pretending you don't know what I'm talking about, either.

I used to wonder, even while I still watched the show regularly without irony, why its depiction of high school life was so blatantly inaccurate. I mean, could it not have been possible to tell some of the same stories without asking us to accept as plausible a southern California high school with about fourteen students, maybe four teachers, and a laughably incompetent principal?

I realized then that accuracy wasn't the point. Because, after all, the show wasn't for high school kids -- it was for kids much younger than that. They believed the Bayside fantasy, because they just didn't know any better.

Is that we're really nostalgic for? An age when we could believe a place like Bayside existed, an age before we realized high school was not a brightly-lit, responsibility-free spaces where we could indulge in elaborate pranks and schemes with our friends -- who would be in every single one of our classes with us -- and face, at most, a half-hearted talking to from Principal Goober?

I don't know. Maybe it is for me.

What's your favorite Saved by the Bell episode? I bet you can guess what mine is. It's probably yours, too.

I love the internet

It sounds like a good opportunity with an honest, well-meaning company that I have a lot of faith in

Wandering around the internet today, and discovered the new recruitment site for the Dharma Initiative, Dharma Wants You. Now, there's a high-class organization that is always above-board and open with the public. You should take the recruitment test -- it's only seventeen questions, quick and easy. I did, and I passed. I wonder what wonderful opporunties await me!

Namaste!

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Now playing: Fall Out Boy - You're Crashing, But You're No Wave
via FoxyTunes

Quiet lies the locust tells

Apparently, there's a documentary out called Dreams with Sharp Teeth that focuses on the life and career of Harlan Ellison, one of my favorite writers and a profound influence. Suffice to say, I'll have to wait for DVD.

But in the meantime, here's a fascinating interview with Ellison from The Onion A.V. Club. It's lengthy, but worth the read.

Part One.
Part Two.

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Now playing: Vampire Weekend - I Stand Corrected
via FoxyTunes

And I thought I got strange email

We all get odd emails from time to time. Most of them end up caught in our spam filters, but they still happen. But I've never received anything as batshit as the glorious slice of insanity MaryAnn Johanson just posted on her website. Ye gods! No question, the greatest email ever sent.

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Now playing: Rush - YYZ
via FoxyTunes

I've been saying some of this stuff for years

Particularly that stuff about Arlington Road.

It's the 5 Most Needlessly Complex Terror Plots in Film History, courtesy of Cracked. It's good stuff.

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Now playing: The Decemberists - The Tain
via FoxyTunes

Legos + Eddie Izzard = Genius

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Now playing: Harvey Danger - Terminal Annex
via FoxyTunes

I love British humor

Or humour, I suppose.

Take a look at the greatest public service announcement ever, the Awareness Test.

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Now playing: The Tragically Hip - As Makeshift as We Are
via FoxyTunes

The Terrible Secret of Animal Crossing

So, apparently Animal Crossing is a game that people play. I've never played it myself, and haven't a clue what actually goes on in it. But whatever it was I thought, it wasn't anything like this:



Neither, apparently, was it what Something Awful poster Chewbot thought he'd find. So shocked was he, it seems, that he twisted his screen caps -- taking very few of them out of context -- into a narrative called "The Terrible Secret of Animal Crossing." He began adding his own artwork to the tale to provide depth and backstory, and the result is spectacular. He even brought in a choose-your-own-adventure aspect in the final act, giving readers a vote to make a choice for the protagonist (and then provided an alternate ending, showing the results of both).

I wanted to link to this a few months ago while it was still ongoing, but you wouldn't have been able to read it without a Something Awful membership. Now that's it concluded, though, someone has gone to the trouble of putting up a mirror. So you can enjoy the madness without paying for an SA account. A winner is you!

Seriously -- read it if you have the time. It's quite the chilling tale.

I love the internet.

(One note, though: you'll see mention of an audio track -- several readers are putting together a dramatic reading of the story, complete with sound effects and music. It isn't quite finished yet, so don't bother looking for it. Though the final part does feature a brief video.)

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Now playing: The Tragically Hip - Inevitability of Death
via FoxyTunes

The bunny owes my friend money

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Now playing: Randy Newman - God's Song (That's Why I Love Mankind)
via FoxyTunes

One of these actually is the reason for the zombie infestation in my Hunter game

From Cracked.com: The 5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen. Awesome stuff.

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Now playing: Chrono Trigger - Frog's Theme
via FoxyTunes

List of the week: the best of Lost

To celebrate the three-year anniversary of the tragic demise of Oceanic Flight 815 -- September 22, 2004 -- here we have my eight favorite moments of Lost, thus far. (Spoilers are friggin' everywhere here, should you care -- fair warning.)

1. The rattlesnake in the mailbox.
("Through the Looking Glass" -- Episode 3.22) I've raved (endlessly) about the flash-forward ending of the third season, and it's for good reason -- those few minutes inverted the show and redefined everything. And it also provided some astounding narrative gymnastics: the current storylines all somehow became more suspenseful with a view of the future. Who was in the casket? Who else got off the island? Why does Jack need to get back? Who does Kate need to "get back" to? Perhaps one of the greatest cliffhangers ever written.

2. Purely hypothetical.
("The Whole Truth" -- Episode 2.16) Michael Emerson was originally signed only to appear in three episodes for a mini-arc in season two. But how could they lose an actor this electrifying? Jack and Locke have kept poor Henry Gale locked in their vault for days, thinking him a spy for the Others; he claims he's nothing but a poor, stranded balloonist. Offering him a measure of trust, they let him out and hand him a bowl of cereal. Gale then "innocently" mentions the map he drew in secret for Sayid and Ana Lucia -- "You guys really have some trust issues," he mumbles at Jack and Locke's surprise. But then his eyes gleam, and he pontificates on what he would do if he was "one of them." "I'd draw a map to a real secluded place," he says, voice dripping with cool menace. "Good place for a trap -- an ambush. And when your friends got there, a bunch of my people would be waiting for them. Then they'd use them to trade for me." His audacity hangs in the air for a few moments as Jack and Locke stare at him in horror. He chuckles off the bad vibe by saying, "Guess it's a good thing I'm not one of them, huh?" Dropping into total nonchalance again, he gestures to his cereal bowl: "You guys got any milk?" And then, BAM -- Lost title card, episode over, see you next week. Emerson's chilling read of what is on paper a fairly ordinary monologue is all the more stunning for the twisted mind game it plays with the audience. Is it any wonder this guy was promoted to the regular cast and found himself with an Emmy nomination a year later?

3. "Guys...that's not just a bear..."
("Pilot, Part 2" -- Episode 1.02) If you're going to do a show all about weird, inexplicable shit, it's best to get started right away. And while the unseen monster in the pilot was suitable to that purpose, it's somehow not quite weird enough -- it's so out-of-the-blue that it's almost expected. But not to fear -- the writers know exactly what they're doing. And so it is that, is the second half of the pilot, Sawyer guns down a bear. Yes, a bear, wandering around this tropical island. The uncomfortable feeling for both the characters and the audience when they see that it's not just a bear, but a polar bear, is a lesson in narrative cognitive dissonance.

4. Does this count as a Stephen King reference?
("The Glass Ballerina" -- Episode 3.02) Michael Emerson strikes again. Ben's endless series of mind games became a mainstay of the third season, and we see them at work here in classic form. He offers Jack a deal -- do what I ask and I'll get you home -- and is declined, because Jack doesn't believe he can follow through. "You're stuck here just like we are," he says. So Ben offers evidence of their contact with the outside world: he rattles off a few current events, like the results of that year's presidential election, and the passing of Christopher Reeve..."And the Boston Red Sox won the World Series." Jack breaks apart with laughter, of course...until Ben flicks on the VCR and shows him the footage. The look on Jack's face -- the look of a man whose world has been spun counterclockwise -- combined with Ben's repeated offer (performed again with genius by Emerson) counts as another terrific cliffhanger. (And is it odd that, after three seasons, the Red Sox winning the Series is still the strangest, most inexplicable thing to happen on this show?)

5. Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage.
("?" -- Episode 2.21) Back in the real world, John Locke worked in a meaningless job at a box company. He was paralyzed. He was ridiculed. He was useless. But on the island, he became a man transformed. He could walk, he could hunt -- he could live the meaningful life he'd always wanted. And when he found the Swan, and the all-important button within, he thought he'd found his purpose. But a trip into the Pearl station with Eko throws everything into chaos -- a training video there reveals the button and the Swan to be nothing more than a purposeless psychological experiment, long since abandoned. Locke's existential horror is profound: he's once again became a meaningless drone, doing a meaningless job. Though the tape was later proved -- in spectacular fashion -- to be a lie, Locke still hasn't quite recovered from the shock.

6. The fine art of staying out of the way.
("Do No Harm" -- Episode 1.20) Oh, Charlie -- he means well. When Claire goes into labor with only clueless Kate to help her, Charlie responds to her anguished screams by trying to run in and help. But Jin -- wise and knowing, even if he can't speak to his buddy -- holds Charlie back with a smile and a shake of the head. It's hilarious, and one of the more touching character moments in a series full of them.

7. The great and terrible.
("The Man Behind the Curtain" -- Episode 3.20) The name Jacob is thrown around only a few times in the third season, which only adds to its mystique -- a rarely-mentioned, never-seen Other, superior even to Ben. So when Locke demands that Ben take him to see Jacob, the suspense is palpable. And boy, does it pay off: the few minutes the pair spends inside Jacob's cabin are disorienting, terrifying, and spellbinding. Evil voices, fire, telekinesis -- the audience is as breathless as Ben and Locke when they finally escape. "What was that?" Locke asks. Ben responds simply, "That...was Jacob." I can't wait for the answers to follow.

8. In medias res.
("Pilot, Part 1" -- Episode 1.01) You should always start with a bang. And so does Lost, beginning with the horrific aftermath of a plane crash. Jack races through the wreckage, saving lives and watching others end. There's no time to learn names or properly introduce characters -- we're too confused to remember, anyway. And so we meet our setting and cast exactly as they do: on the fly, in a panic, with no preconceptions. The show begins with a question mark; the rest of the story is the answer.

21 bags of gold for a scout? Are you kiddin' me?

I have found yet another glorious gift of the internet: you can play the one-player version of Dark Tower online.

It's a lot more complicated than I remember. Though just as difficult. Man, I suck at Dark Tower.

A quick game tip: hire a Healer the very second you have the money.

My new favorite Onion article ever

I know I said we wouldn't talk about Bonds anymore, but this is too perfect not to mention:

Destruction Of National Pastime Given Two-Minute Standing Ovation

SAN FRANCISCO—A sellout crowd rose to its feet and exploded into ecstatic cheers Tuesday night as Barry Bonds completed the downfall of America's most revered sport by hitting a thundering 435-foot shot into the left field bleachers for...

A new List of the Week is coming tonight or tomorrow. And hey -- it has nothing to do with Rock Band! Hooray!

I've been saying this shit for years

I found this today -- a website that proves Nickelback's laziness and incompetence by playing their first two really big hits -- "How You Remind Me" and "Someday" -- simultaneously. The difference, it turns out, is negligible. It's hilarious.

The closest thing I have to a holy day

It's July 20, people: thirty-eight years ago today...

'Cause I think it's funny, that's why

People are really quite amusing.

Chess rules. Rollercoasters, not so much.

I probably shouldn't give Rene this information

$4640.00The Cadaver Calculator - Find out how much your body is worth. From Mingle2 - Free Online Dating

I am hopelessly screwed

I knew my name was going to bite my ass one day:

After all, whether it is on a school register, at a job interview, or in the exam hall, people with surnames towards the start of the alphabet are used to being first.

Given that we often associate the top of a list with winners and the bottom with losers, could all of these small experiences add up and make a long-term impact on someone's life?

Everyone participating in the Telegraph experiment was asked to indicate their sex, age, surname and rate how successful they had been in various aspects of their life, such as their health, finances, career, and "life in general". Scores in all these categories were added up to obtain an overall "measure of success".

The results revealed that readers whose surnames began with letters at the beginning of the alphabet did indeed rate themselves as significantly more successful overall than those with surnames starting with lowly, end-of-the-alphabet initials.

Damn you, father! Damn you!!!