Darkness Falls

I miss Mystery Science Theater 3000. I miss Crow, Servo, Mike, Joel, and the Satellite of Love. I remember a time when laughable cinematic garbage like this would be inflicted upon us by Dr. Clayton Forrester, as part of his evil plan to take over the world. But now, those days are gone, and we are left to fend for ourselves. We must be strong!

If you're in the right frame of mind, a movie like Darkness Falls can be a blast. The trite dialogue, ridiculous plot twists, and horrible characterizations can be either painful or hilarious, depending on how you look at it. Take, for instance, the basic plot of the film: In a small town called Darkness Falls, the Tooth Fairy haunts and murders the children when they've lost their last baby tooth.

Yeah, that's right, the goddamn Tooth Fairy.

I could explain why the Tooth Fairy wants to kill everybody, but it's not really relevant (and indeed, the film itself mentions it once at the beginning only because it has to). See, now the Tooth Fairy is out for revenge against Kyle Walsh (Chaney Kley), the only child to escape her wrath. Since his encounter with the spirit twelve years ago, Kyle's become plagued with night terrors and a paralyzing fear of the dark, obsessing about the Tooth Fairy. But now he has to face his fears and return to Darkness Falls as a favor to his old girlfriend, Caitlin (Emma Caulfield). It seems that her brother, Michael (the profoundly annoying Lee Cormie), has also escaped the Tooth Fairy, and she's coming for him, too.

If it sounds silly in print, wait until you see it on the screen. The Tooth Fairy floats around, hissing and groaning from darkness as her potential victims cower in the corner. Her one weakness is light, so Kyle carries around a bag full of flashlights...but he should know better than that: this is a horror movie, so any flashlight will only remain lit for 15-30 seconds before it starts flickering (the response to which is always the flashlight's holder banging it and whispering, "Come on, come on"). The very first establishing shot of the town telegraphs where the final confrontation will end up; it's pretty easy to guess.

The acting is bad all around, but usually bad in that Keanu Reeves way -- it's a hell of a lot of fun to openly mock. The only exception to this Lee Cormie as the cute widdle kid Michael -- he is bad in that John Travolta way, so bad that you begin to actively root for the Tooth Fairy to kill him to end your own misery. The characters are all stock stereotypes, from the Jewish lawyer to the flannel-wearing drunken rednecks to the disbelieving police officers. The fact that it took three people to write this crap is astounding, and depressing. Jonathan Liebesman's direction is the only thing halfway respectable about the whole affair, and even it is barely pedestrian at best.

That said, Darkness Falls can be very entertaining under the right circumstances. When the DVD is released, pick it up at Blockbuster, and invite all of your friends over. We'll make the Satellite of Love gang proud.

Rating: DUD