Friday, October 19, 2007

A brief and tasteless social commentary, from the cast of Revolver

A new episode is coming soon. In the meantime...

The house, day

Patrick and Jason are sitting on the couch. Jason's focused on his laptop; Patrick is frantically playing a video game. From the looks of things, it's not going well.

PATRICK: Dammit!

JASON [without looking up]: Die again?

PATRICK: This is unfair. You have to be some kind of Halo god to beat this.

JASON: What difficulty are you on?

PATRICK: Legendary.

JASON: Uh, well...

PATRICK: Yes. Shut up.

JASON: Why don't you go back to Guitar Hero? Michael's better than you at that one, too, but at least you don't embarrass yourself.

PATRICK: Shut. Up. I can do this.

JASON: Sure. Hell, maybe this time the Covenant will start fragging themselves out of pity. A pity frag.

PATRICK: Fuck. You. I can do this.

JASON: Right. [reads something interesting on computer] Oh, no way...

PATRICK: What's up?

JASON: Hey, you guys!

Rebecca and Angela come out of the kitchen.


JASON: David Copperfield is being accused of sexual assault.


REBECCA: The magician?

PATRICK: I think they prefer "illusionist."

JASON: Whatever he calls himself, the FBI's investigating. Raided a warehouse he owns, or something.

REBECCA: That's unbelievable.

ANGELA: My mom used to have the biggest crush on him. That hair, all the wind machines and stuff. She still has all his specials on tape.

REBECCA: My mom loved him, too. He seemed like such a cool guy.

PATRICK: Oh, I don't know.

REBECCA: Meaning what?

PATRICK: Oh, you know. All that fire. Constantly putting himself on the verge of death. Something's not right beneath all that Aqua Net.

JASON: He's got some weird kinks, too. Always tying women up, chaining them down, blindfolding 'em, putting them boxes and safes. And he's got a real blade fetish, too -- all those swords and saws and knives. I saw him cut a woman into five pieces once. I mean, he put her back together, but still.

REBECCA: That's not funny.

PATRICK: And hey, what are they gonna do if he's convicted? He escaped from Alcatraz, didn't he?

JASON: Fuck that, he walked through the Great Wall of China. Prison's a joke.

ANGELA: And if they set up roadblocks to trap him, so what? He can fly!

JASON: Exactly. He'll just fly up to the Statue of Liberty and make it disappear again.

PATRICK: He'll hold it for ransom, in exchange for a pardon.

ANGELA: He survived in the Bermuda Triangle, he could go back there. "Find me now, bastards!"

JASON: You know, I never realized it, but he's starting to sound an awful lot like a Batman villain.

ANGELA: What would his name be?

PATRICK: Abracadabra?

JASON: Jack of Spades. "Is this your card? How about this one, bitch?" BIFF! POW!

PATRICK: There you go. He'd wear a top hat, but instead of rabbits, he'd pull out bombs.

JASON: Rabbit bombs!

The three of them howl with laughter.

REBECCA: This isn't funny. Rape is not funny.

PATRICK: Oh, who's joking about rape? We're joking an alleged rapist. Rapists can be funny.

JASON: Mike Tyson springs to mind.

Rebecca shakes her head and returns to the kitchen.

JASON: Tsk, tsk. No sense of humor.

PATRICK: That's why we broke up.

ANGELA: Really?


ANGELA: Damn you.

The front door opens. Michael enters.

JASON: Hey, Michael, do you know about David Copperfield?

MICHAEL: I never read it.

JASON: No, the illusionist.

MICHAEL: Never saw that, either.

PATRICK: Har har ha -- oh, fuck!

MICHAEL: Yeah, you're gonna wanna watch out for bullets, there. Believe it or not, they can be dangerous.

PATRICK: Fuck. You.

Lights out.

If you're wondering why I didn't save this for an actual episode, it's because of chronology -- in the Revolver universe, it's still November 2006. By the time I get around to an episode that takes place in October 2007, it'll be 2023 and no one will remember this story at all. Unless he's arrested and convicted, of course. Then we'll all remember, every time we look at the space where the Statue of Liberty used to be.

I sure hope he's innocent.

Now playing: Harvey Danger - You Miss the Point Completely I Get the Point Exactly
via FoxyTunes

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