Monday, August 23, 2004

Trailer trash

Man, some of the movies coming soon look really bad. I keep waiting for the trailers for the, ya know, good movies, the ones that will fight for Oscars and critic's top ten lists and stuff. But so far, aside from The Aviator and maybe Friday Night Lights (which probably won't be as good as I think it will be), there's nuthin'. Oh, and Shaun of the Dead and Team America: World Police look hilarious. And I'm mesmerized by the enormous image of Reese Witherspoon on the cardboard display for Vanity Fair at the local AMC theater. Okay, so good stuff's coming, too, but ye gods look at the crap we're in for:

  • Taxi. Ugh. Bumbling moron Chris Kattan and Queen Latifah chase after superhot supermodel bank robbers in a taxicab built by Inspector Gadget. And if the horrible jokes in the trailer are the best they can do, I'd better start dusting off that DUD rating.
  • Suspect Zero. I have no confidence in serial killer movies of any sort these days. I'll see this out of respect for the (admittedly weak and overused) genre, which has given us Seven and the Ultimate Motion Picture, The Silence of the Lambs, but I'm frightened. And what the hell is Ben Kingsley doing?
  • Saw. Speaking of stupid serial killers and actors who should know better. Cary Elwes is, I think, a cop held hostage by crazy Danny Glover, "the Jigsaw Killer," who doesn't actually kill his victims, but instead traps them in poorly lit, badly designed soundstages and forces them to kill each other. And boy does that title suck, or what?
  • Paparazzi. The latest example of the horrible trend of trailers giving away the entire movie. Tom Sizemore hams it up as a tabloid photographer who makes it his mission to torment some famous actor guy, "to destory your life and eat your soul" or something. So the famous actor guy goes all Punisher and stuff. This sounds bad enough, but add in Crazy Mel in the producer's seat, and we could be in for sheer torture.
  • Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. This looks like a George Lucas wet dream, what with every shot -- and I mean every single shot -- in the trailer obviously filmed before a blue screen. Actually, this looks horrible, but it could turn out to be a bizarre kind of genius if it plays off just right. Either way, it will definitely be totally insane. And I really, really hate Angelina Jolie. Especially with an eye patch. And a British accent.
  • Resident Evil: Apocalypse. The teaser was straight-up fantastic, but the full trailer looks like the same-old same-old. Can we get to Silent Hill: The Movie yet? Please?

See what I mean?

old and wise, with clouded eyes
you can't see what I can
'cause I throw my faith
to the face of the next pretty girl to come my way

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