Reason #345 Roy Oswalt is my hero

He just offered to restructure his multimillion dollar contract to help the Astros sign some better players. Take one for the team, indeed.

It doesn't look like it will actually work -- big shock there -- but it's the thought that counts, is it not?

I don't see Tejada or Carlos Lee making that kind of offer, do you?

Good for you, Roy. Maybe Drayton should buy you another tractor.

I love the internet

He's not even nominated, but the voters will find some way to screw Kanye West over anyway, I'll bet

So the Grammy Award nominations were announced yesterday. I'd list them, but sweet Jesus, there are 110 categories. Go read them all if you want, but I can't imagine anyone really caring about the nominees for Best Instrumental Soloist(s) Performance (with Orchestra). Other than the nominees themselves, that is, and I'm fairly certain none of them read my blog.

A few random impressions, though:

• Radiohead is the other band the voters like to hose, so don't get too excited over the Album of the Year nod for In Rainbows. Even though it's the best record on that list. That doesn't matter. Not even a little bit. At all. The award will actually go to, as it always does, the oldest and/or deadest nominee -- in this case, Robert Plant, who's been dead since 1989.
• Nice to see Coldplay recognized for their evolution on Viva La Vida, easily their best work to date. And they're vanilla and mainstream enough to actually win some of those awards, like Record for the Year, which they actually deserve. Seriously, "Viva La Vida" is a perfect pop song. You couldn't get away from that damn thing.
• Do I see Jason Mraz's name listed under the nominees for Song of the Year? Really? I mean, really? Jason "Wizard of Oohs and Ahs and Fa-la-las" Mraz? That asshole? Really? I can't say I've heard the song in question, tell the truth, but I've got twenty bucks that he sings "de doo doo doo-doo-doo" a bunch of times in the chorus. Just a hunch.
• The Jonas Brothers? Die in a goddamn fire, Grammy voters.
• Kid Rock?! See previous.
• Strangely competitive category: Best Pop Performance. I think it's gotta go to Coldplay, but "Apologize" is a good one, too.
• All those fantastic songs on In Rainbows, and the voters pick "House of Cards" for the single-track categories. This is what I'm talking about.
• Your real Album of the Year: Narrow Stairs, by Death Cab for Cutie. Your Song of the Year is "Roc Boys" by Jay-Z, and your Record of the Year is "You Don't Know Me" by Ben Folds and Regina Spektor. You're welcome.

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Now playing: Death Cab for Cutie - Pity And Fear
via FoxyTunes

Yeah, and Lost is coming back in a couple months, too, so get ready

Hey, remember when I wouldn't shut up about the Decemberists? Like, every single bloody post would either mention them or post a video by them or reference them in some way or another? Too bad I ran out of their music to post, huh? Good thing they stopped recording for a while after The Crane Wife came out.

Oops: here's "Valerie Plame," one of the best songs of the year.



They've put together a series of three singles called Always the Bridesmaid, and they've got a new album out next year.

Seriously, if you just buy all of their back catalog, I'll let it go. I promise.

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Now playing: The Decemberists - Valerie Plame
via FoxyTunes

Oh, how it's been so long/We're so sorry we've been gone...

I woke up this morning next to the woman I love. It was the first time we slept in our new apartment, which is magnificent. We stayed in bed together, watching television and combing the internet for adoptable puppies. (She wants a Saint Bernard. Actually, she wants five. Or seven. And a whole menagerie of other creatures: "I want to be like Noah," she says. But we're gonna start with a puppy. And, of course, Rufus, her guinea pig, who's hiding underneath the bed lining in his little house as I write this.) We stayed there until nearly five in the afternoon, watching Animal Planet and celebrating when the new BCS standings were released. (I have become a fan of Alabama college football by proxy, and thus I say to you, Roll tide!) Eventually, we went out in search of food. We ate delicious hamburgers at Fuddruckers, returned to her old apartment for a few items, stopped to pick up a football game for my PS3 we can play together, and then came back home. I set up her DVD player, and the two of us watched an entire disc's worth of episodes from the second season of 24 -- have to catch up before the two-hour movie event airs in a few weeks, and there's a lot to get done.

A few months ago, when I was mired in bleak, hopeless depression, a friend asked me to imagine what a perfect day would be like. I couldn't do it.

This day, though? I'd have to say this day was pretty close.

My blog missed me. I missed it, too.

Posting continues now.

No worries...

Swiped from Chez.

CR_CK _DDICT ON _ G_ME SHOW

I'd like to solve the puzzle!



I'm going to try to avoid yelling "MILD SAUCE!" for no reason. I will probably fail.

FAIL

McCain's running mate. Our future commander-in-chief.

I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter

The inevitable -- and, yet paradoxically, seemingly impossible -- happened last night.

I quit Pizza Inn.

The story is long and will be told at another time.

I should feel jubilant, and I do, sorta. But mostly, it's just...

...why didn't I do that a long fucking time ago?

Dan Quayle 2K8

You have got to be shitting me.

This is who John McCain settled on for his vice president?

I mean... I mean...



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

She -- she's -- ...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

A first-term governor? A first-term governor of Alaska? What, was the Rhode Island assistant state comptroller not experienced enough with national security?

Are you fucking kidding me?

The thought process goes like this:

• Lots of women wanted Hillary to be the nominee.
• Some of them are bitter she's not.
• Sarah Palin is a woman.
• Those women will vote for McCain if he has Sarah Palin as his running mate.

That's pandering so obvious that it's insulting. The implication being that women will simply vote for anyone who has ovaries, simply to support the sisterhood or whatever.

Did I say implication? I meant she came right the fuck out and said it:

Palin mentioned Clinton by name in her speech, saying, "Hillary left 18 million cracks in the highest, hardest glass ceiling in America. But it turns out the women of America aren't finished yet, and we can shatter that glass ceiling once and for all."

The remark brought a mixed reaction from the Republican crowd; some women cheered, but there was also some low-pitched groaning and booing.

Forgetting, of course, that the "Obama doesn't have enough experience to be President!" argument is lost immediately. Palin makes Obama look like Teddy Roosevelt.

Forgetting, of course, that John McCain is 147 years old and has battled cancer four times and could, conceivably, fall over and die at any moment. This is who he'd want leading the nation if that should happen? What a revealing look into his decision-making prowess, no? Hell, if they were going to pick a woman, at least pick one who has some clue, right? A resumé with a little more beef on it, rather than just twenty-one months running Alaska, right?

Seriously: what. the. fuck?

It's a move of such naked desperation that I'm stunned. Are you really that afraid of Obama?

Perhaps you should be. 38 million people watched his convention speech last night, after all. A speech that was gorgeous, even by his standards -- we're talking Bartlett-level speechifying, folks.

Oh, the vice presidential debate is now must-see TV, is it not? Joe Biden will swallow this poor woman whole.

Am I being too harsh on her? Perhaps. Hey, after all, she was commander-in-chief of the Alaska National Guard.

How utterly, completely baffling.

Can't wait 'til November.

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Now playing: Metallica - My Apocalypse
via FoxyTunes

Weekly Chart: 8/18-8/24

Hey, remember these?

This week's chart is dominated, of course, by Dave Matthews Band. First, the continuing euphoria from Friday's concert -- in fact, I spent quite a bit of time listening to the bootleg of that same show. And then the tragic news of LeRoi Moore's passing kept them in rotation for a few more days. I still can't believe he's gone, ya know? Still can't quite get a handle on it.

In other news, we've got a new Metallica single, "The Day That Never Comes," which gets an A-plus in my book. Lewis Black released a new stand-up album, which is also fantastic. An article I ran across in The Onion A.V. Club inspired me to listen to Stone Temple Pilots for the first time in years. And then there's the usual suspects. You know them when you see them.

1. Dave Matthews Band (46)
2. Metallica (22)
3. The New Pornographers (18)
4. Radiohead (15)
5. Our Lady Peace (14)
6. Stone Temple Pilots (11)
7. Lewis Black (10)
8. The Hold Steady (7)
9. Muse (6)
10. Flight of the Conchords (6)

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Now playing: Stone Temple Pilots - Army Ants
via FoxyTunes

It's not the colors that matter, only that they all fade away

It's been a few days, obviously. But you know by now: LeRoi Moore is dead. The great saxophonist died from complications from injuries sustained in an ATV accident in June.

There are no words, of course. But Roi never spoke much, anyway.

Instead, here's some music. I've posted this video before. But it's my favorite LeRoi performance -- you'll have to wait to get there, to about 4:40, but you'll be glad you waited.

Rest in peace, sir. You were an inspiration.



That's our blood down there
Seems poured from the hands of angels
It trickles into the ground
Leaves the warehouse so bare and empty
But my heart's numbered beat will echo in this empty room
And fear wells in me
But nothing seems big enough to go
So I'm going away
Though you know I'd love to stay


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Now playing: Dave Matthews Band - Warehouse
via FoxyTunes

I have nothing to say about this...

...except that it fucking rocks.

Metallica plays one of their new songs, "Cyanide," at Ozzfest in Dallas a couple of weeks ago.



Now that's more like it.

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Now playing: Metallica - Cyanide
via FoxyTunes

Ask not for whom the bell tolls

Bobby Fischer. Heath Ledger. Roy Scheider. Anthony Minghella. Sydney Pollack. Bo Diddley. Jim McKay. Tim Russert. Stan Winston. George Carlin. Don S. Davis, the guy who played Scully's father and the commander on Stargate SG-1.

Then, yesterday, Bernie Mac.

Today: Isaac Hayes.

Damn.

A tough year.

Arcade Fire and David Bowie say it better than I do.

I guess we'll just have to adjust....



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Now playing: Oasis - The Girl in the Dirty Shirt
via FoxyTunes

Okay, now they're just screwing with me

The release date for the new Metallica record -- titled Death Magnetic -- approaches; the Countdown has been changed accordingly. Obviously, I'm excited. I mean, it's Metallica, right? And the brief clips I've heard have been encouraging. Everything suggests a return to an older sound and style -- not the head-fake that was St. Anger, but a genuine attempt to pretend the tenure of Jason Newsted never happened.*

That's all well and good, to be honest. Like I said, I'm excited. But there's such a thing as trying too hard. And from the bleak title to the grave on the cover, it feels like they're trying too hard.

And that was before I caught sight of the album's track listing, which they leaked a few weeks ago:

1. That Was Your Life
2. The End of the Line
3. Broken, Beat & Scarred
4. The Day That Never Comes
5. All Nightmare Long
6. Cyanide
7. The Unforgiven III
8. The Judas Kiss
9. Suicide & Redemption
10. My Apocalypse

I beg your pardon? "The Unforgiven III"? That "The Unforgiven" is one of my very favorite songs is no secret; I also hold its sequel in high esteem.

But a third? Guys: you already have my money. You already have me -- literally! -- counting down the seconds until I can hear your record.

This is just...showing off.

You bastards!

* Of course, your humble evil genius has no problems with the tenure of Jason Newsted, and respects him as a musician. But in the eyes of Metallica's rabid fanbase, he's come to represent everything that went "wrong" with the band in the last two decades, so I'm willing to play along with the revisionist stance Death Magnetic puts forth.

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Now playing: Randy Newman - A Few Words in Defense of Our Country
via FoxyTunes

Lil' Jon, he always tells the truth

A police officer woke me up at eight this morning, knocking on my door.

"Are you the owner of a green Nissan Sentra?"

I told him I was. Actually, I just grumbled my assent. I couldn't really talk yet.

"We've had some break-ins," he said, "and it looks as though someone may have gone through your car. Could you come take a look for me?"

I woke up a little. "Someone went through my car?"

"Maybe, sir," the cop said. "Your glove box is open, and there's stuff everywhere on the seats and floorboards. It's a mess."

I groaned. "That's...kinda how it looks anyway."

I followed the cop out to my car, shuffling through the parking lot in my bare feet. Another officer was talking to one of my neighbors, huddled around a red Mustang. That neighbor didn't look pleased.

We arrived at my car, and I looked inside. The glove compartment was open, revealing a mess of papers and books. Assorted junk filled the floorboards, and paper and garbage were strewn everywhere. The car looked like a tornado had formed inside.

"Yeah," I said. "That's how it looks anyway."

"So...you don't think anyone broke in?" the cop said. He didn't sound like he believed me.

"I'm pretty sure," I said. "Even if they did, they didn't take anything." Not that there's anything to take, I thought.

"Um, okay," said the cop. "Sorry to have bothered you."

Yeah. Sure. I returned to my apartment, which looks pretty much like my car.

If someone broke in here, I probably wouldn't even notice.

And now here's a college choir performing a rather awesome a cappella cover of Vampire Weekend's "Oxford Comma."



Good stuff, huh?

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Now playing: Vampire Weekend - Oxford Comma
via FoxyTunes

It sounds like a good opportunity with an honest, well-meaning company that I have a lot of faith in

Wandering around the internet today, and discovered the new recruitment site for the Dharma Initiative, Dharma Wants You. Now, there's a high-class organization that is always above-board and open with the public. You should take the recruitment test -- it's only seventeen questions, quick and easy. I did, and I passed. I wonder what wonderful opporunties await me!

Namaste!

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Now playing: Fall Out Boy - You're Crashing, But You're No Wave
via FoxyTunes