The Films of 2004: Part Four

THE OSCARS ARE STUPID
Pithy Awards and Such for 2004

Forget the line of golden statues waiting to be handed down to The Aviator and Million Dollar Baby -- these are the real winners right here, baby. (Any similarities between winners here and winners are February 27th are purely coincidental, and almost certainly the result of a typographical error somewhere.)

Best Director: Lars Von Trier, Dogville
extremely close second: Michel Gondry, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
extremely close third: Quentin Tarantino, Kill Bill Vol. 2

Best Original Screenplay: Charlie Kaufman, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
extremely close second: Lars Von Trier, Dogville
extremely close third: Zack Braff, Garden State

Best Adapted Screenplay: Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor, Sideways

distant second: Steve Kloves, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Best Actress: Uma Thurman, Kill Bill Vol. 2
extremely close second: Nicole Kidman, Dogville
extremely close third: Kate Winslet, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Best Actor: Paul Giamatti, Sideways
extremely close (so close it's almost a tie) second: Jamie Foxx, Ray and Collateral
extremely close third: Jim Carrey, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Best Supporting Actress: Patricia Clarkson, Dogville
extremely close second (again, almost a tie): Virginia Madsen, Sideways
extremely close third: Natalie Portman, Garden State
extremely close fourth: Daryl Hannah, Kill Bill Vol. 2

this one's crowded...

Best Supporting Actor: Mark Walhberg, I Heart Huckabees
extremely close second: David Carradine, Kill Bill Vol. 2
extremely close third: Thomas Haden Church, Sideways
extremely close fourth: Jude Law, I Heart Huckabees
extremely close fifth: Paul Bettany, Dogville

Best Cinematography: Hero
Best Editing: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Best Production Design: The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
Best Original Score: I Heart Huckabees
Best Adapted Score: The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (Bowie! in Portuguese!)
Best Original Song: "America, Fuck Yeah!," Team America: World Police
Best Visual Effects: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Best Performance in a Bad Movie: Denzel Washington, The Manchurian Candidate
Worst Performance in a Good Movie: William Hurt, The Village
Worst Performance, Overall: Gwenyth Paltrow, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
Worst Screenplay: The Passion of the Christ (ha! what screenplay?)
Worst Director: Ken Conran, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

commentary on the actual (stupid) Oscars are coming soon