Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Next week, they'll unleash their Ten Commandents for Proper Maintenance of One's Eight-Track Tape Player

The Catholic Church, always trying to stay ahead of the curve, today announced a new set of Ten Commandments. Presumably, these were thought up by men sitting at a table, rather than carved into stone and brought down from atop a mountain by Charlton Heston. But whatever.

These aren't just any Commandments, though: these are the Ten Commandments for drivers, motorists, and other synonyms that mean "people operating vehicles." According to the CNN.com story,
Cardinal Renato Martino, who heads the office, told a news conference that the Vatican felt it necessary to address the pastoral needs of motorists because driving had become such a big part of contemporary life.
Good thinking. Nice of you to notice, a hundred years later, that driving is a part of contemporary life. They're so observant, the Catholic Church.

The commandments themselves really aren't that bad, though I can't possibly fathom why anybody needs them:

1. You shall not kill.

2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.

3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.

4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.

5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.

6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.

7. Support the families of accident victims.

8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.

9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.

10. Feel responsible toward others.

Does anybody need these? Are there people out there killing others with their cars, but now stopping because the Vatican told them not to? And isn't No Killing already one of the other commandments? Isn't that awfully redundant?

And what of those who aren't Catholic? No fear: I present to you my own list of Driving Commandments.

1. Go!
2. You shall turn on your turn signal before you turn. Not during, not after, but before.
3. When you see a sign that says, MERGE LEFT RIGHT LANE ENDS, merge left. Do it when you when see the sign, don't keeping driving in an empty lane for a mile and a half and then stop traffic dead by swerving in front of someone else.
4. The speed limit signs you see, unless specifically stated otherwise, are a maximum, not a minimum. Get off my ass, Mr. I'm Driving a Big Pickup Truck Because I Am Insecure About My Masculinity, okay?
5. That said: At least drive somewhere around the maximum allowed speed, okay, Mrs. I'm Eighty Years Old and Am Only Waiting for My Inevitable Demise? We all have places to be.
6. Go! Yes, you! In the red car! The fucking light is green!
7. Turn your damn radio down. No one has ever said, "Ooh, I love this new generic rap song, but what I'd really like is to hear nothing but the bass line, distorted as it travels through insulated metal and glass."
8. Your horn is not your friend. Its only function is to make you look like an asshole.
9. Keep your bumper stickers to three or less, please. It's a car, not a MySpace page. If I wanted to read while I was driving, I have books.
10. Goddammit, GO!

I think we can all agree on those.

3 comments:

  1. the guy who doesn't appreciate your sarcastic hypocritical commandments7:45 PM

    i think you should take your own advice when it comes to number 6. i'm constantly telling you that the light is green when we go get food. you slow driving bastard. and maybe the reason people are driving 15-20 miles under the speed limit isn't because their old but becasue their cars are perpetually broken like your old car was for the last 5 years of it's existence. and when it comes to number 3 a lot of times people won't let someone merge left so they have to keep driving in a non-lane or stop completely and wait for the 5 hour trail of traffic to finally stop so they can go on their way. As for commandments only one is needed for the role.

    1. You shall not be an asshole. Otherwise you'll be haunted and your family will die horrible undignified deaths...guaranteed.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I never said I always followed all of my commandments. We're all sinners.

    ReplyDelete
  3. And sometimes you kill Edgar, you mean, sinning bastard.

    ReplyDelete