Friday, June 15, 2007

The funniest sentence in the English language... any one that is structured thusly:
I'm not a racist, but [horrifically racist statement].
I love when people say that to me. And they're always so very, very sincere, which is why it's funny -- they actually think they're not racist. They actually think that the slime coming out of them is okay -- 'cause they're not racist. No, really, they're not.

Being in Texas, as I am, I hear it most often regarding Hispanic people -- "I'm not a racist, but any Mexicans you see are illegal immigrants who eat burritos and jalapeƱos and are only good for mowing lawns and doing construction jobs. Hey, I'm not racist, that's just how it is." Right, right. Sure.

Yesterday, a co-worker at Job Number One approached and informed me (completely out of nowhere) that his daughter, whom I've not met, was secretly dating a black man, or so he believed. She was keeping it a secret, he said, because she knew he would "have a problem with that."

"I'm not a racist, but I just don't want my daughter dating a black man. I'm not okay with that. At all."

I guess he was looking for sympathy from me, what with me being a fellow member of the Pure Race. He got none, naturally, so he unloaded the glorious Racist-in-Denial Defense, which, as you know, is articulated thusly:
I'm not racist. I mean, I have friends who are [whatever group I am viciously slandering].
Right, right. Sure.

He kept looking for my approval. He didn't get it. "Am I wrong for thinking that?" he said.

"Yes," I said.

He thought for a minute. "You know, if she gets into an argument with me about it, she can always throw in my face that I married a woman from Mexico. Does that make me a hypocrite?"

"Yes," I said.

He thought about that, and seemed to take it well. Then he said, "I just don't want my grandchildren to be of a mixed race, you know? Maybe that's wrong."

"It is," I said.


Since lately it seems I can only communicate in YouTube videos, I give you a Family Guy take on a very similar situation.


  1. I'm not racist, but you're such a Capricorn!

    Yeah, I'm equating astrology to racism. I hate it that much.

  2. Hey -- that's not very nice.

    I'm a Cancer, not a Capricorn. I mean, if you're gonna judge me by the color of my, uh, horoscope, at least get it right, man. Jeez.

    *checks to make sure I am, indeed, a Cancer*

    Yeah, okay, that's right. Cancer. Get it right, man.