The Third Debate

I didn't get to watch the debate live, what with the baseball and stuff. So I'm going to watch the replay and comment AS IT HAPPENS. Well, as it's replayed. So watch out -- no spell check or proofreading or anything, this is straight from my head to the keyboard. The replay begins at approximately 11:40 pm.

11:43. I am sick of listening to people thank the moderator and the crowd and the state and the blah blah blah. Who cares? This is why they should allow opening statements: to prevent candidates from using up their answer time with cheap, empty sucking up.

11:46. Bush: "The first voter in Afghanistan was a 19-year-old WOMAN!" Yeah. And. So. What? The elections in Afghanistan are largely thought of as disasters, with influenced voters, people registering more than once, and many worried about the secrecy of the ballots. But hey -- nineteen-year-olds can vote. Go, girl. And ain't it grand that the first voter in that country would be someone so unique like that, in such a way that Bush can use it in his debate? Hmm. Conspiracy senses tingling...

11:48. Kerry nails Bush on admitting he wasn't "concerned" about bin Laden. Bush denies this, with the air of a late-night TV show host: "Sounds like another one those...exaggerations" -- *dumb smile*. Too bad that we've all seen the video clip of you saying exactly that, you dumb bastard.

11:54. Bush's horrible economic record is brought out, clearly and simply. How can Republicans hear all that and still support the Shrub? I don't get it. Everything's down: jobs, wages, exports. Bush responds with the "he voted to increase taxes 98 times" garbage. That's the first time. I bet he'll say it at least five times. And Bush looks pissed. Wild gestures, nearly shouting. He's not making any sense, but he believes it, goddammit. How very Bill O'Reilly.

11:58. The question to Bush: "What do you say to someone who has lost their job to someone overseas?" Bush's answer: "Here's some help to go get educated." So...the reason they've lost their job is because they're an uneducated peon? Oh yeah, that's real good. And the entire answer to that question, by the way, is about how great his education plan is. I will not even big to describe how much that makes me laugh. Remember: I live and went to school in Bush's education plans, m'kay? Where we raised test scores by lowering the score needed to pass. And Kerry makes me smile by pointing out what I just did, about Bush not answering the question.

12:03. The mics are way too loud. Popping and thumping noises abound. Someone fire the sound techs.

12:04. 98 tax increases -- #2. Bush: "We've increased Pell grants by a million students!" Kerry: "You have more Pell grants because more people qualify for them because they have less money." Bada-BING. And 98 tax increases -- #3. Twice in the same question. The figure, by the way, is bullshit.

12:07. Gay marriage comes up. A quick thought: Why the fuck do we need "protect" the "sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman"? Is this threatened by homosexuals? Bush pushes his Constitutional amendment horseshit. Don't get me started. And Kerry doesn't help much, because he essentially agrees with Bush, but at least he doesn't sound like a goddamn homophobic loon. And he also denounces the aforementioned amendment horseshit.

12:10. Kerry: "I believe I can't legislate to someone else my article of faith." THANK YOU, SENATOR. Amen, if you will. He gives a fucking great answer on the question on faith and abortion and stuff. I am, so help me, really starting to like this guy. And Kerry is Catholic? I didn't know that.

12:15. Bush's answer on the rising cost of health care is completely incoherent to me. Largely because he stumbles and trips through the whole two minutes. If you can find a transcript and explain it to me, I'd appreciate it.

12:17. Bush: "He's only passed 5 bills in his 20 years in the Senate." Kerry: "I've actually passed 56 bills." Plus amendments and stuff. "The President is wrong." Well, duh.

12:21. Once again, Bush channels Jay Leno by smirking at the credibility of "major network news outlets."

12:22. Bush: "Our health care system is the envy of the world." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I mean, I...I...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh, Bush is so much better than Jay Leno.

12:28. Kerry says that Bush's tax cut on the top 1%, if repealed, would have saved Social Security through 2075. That's the year two thousand seventy-five. Holy fuck! Is that true?

12:30. Bush: "Now the tax code is more fair." Puh-leeze. And Bush gets really pissed off, and starts banging the podium like Hitler. Easy, Shrub.

12:39. Here we go with Bush's education crap again. Shut up, Bush. Texas was (and is) one of the very worst states in education in the entire country.

12:43. They're starting to yell at each other now, over the No Child Left Behind stuff. At now that's getting interesting, the moderator switches to another topic.

12:45. We fulfill our promise to focus on domestic issues by stumping about Iraq for an entire question. Thanks, guys. But: Kerry finally stops with the "We've spent $200 billion on the war!" rhetoric that he and Edwards had been bleating for the last few weeks. This does, however, allow Bush to once again mischaracterize Kerry's "global test" quote. I mean, how can Bush keep doing that? Repeatedly misrepresent the same thing, over and over. Kerry blows it out of the water as bullshit, as he's done over and over now, but Bush keeps at it. I. Don't. Get. It.

12:49. Onto the assault weapons ban, which Bush claims he really, really wanted to extend, really, but those nasty Congressmen just wouldn't let him. Darn them. And hey, Bush: prosecutions on gun crimes are up because crime is up, you dumb motherfucker.

12:54. On affirmative action, Bush -- again -- answers by dragging up the same. fucking. education. garbage he's been peddling the entire debate. And now onto to small business loans. An answer is nowhere in sight. But BANG-BANG-BANG the podium, mein fuhrer. That'll fire up the voters.

12:58. I don't believe I'm saying this, but I must say it in the name of honesty. Bush gives a pretty good answer on a question about faith. I don't agree with him, when he says that "freedom is a gift from the Almighty." Kerry's answer: "Everything is a gift from the Almighty." I think you been one-upped, Dubya. How about that. (I disagree with that, too, but it's still a neat moment.)

1:03. Last question...and it's a cheap-ass, softball question: "What is the most important thing you have learned from your wife?" Fuck you, Bob. Both guys give pretty nice feel-good answers that are, admittedly, pretty funny. Bush says his wife speaks English better than he does; Kerry says, "We [Bush and I] married up. Some would say maybe me so more than others." That's pretty funny. And then Kerry says some sweet things about his mom.

1:06. Closing statements. Damn: I am starting to really like Kerry quite a bit. And Bush -- well, he's Bush. He starts with a nice bit about a painting in his office. But the rest -- same old Bush b.s.

After reading through all that, do you have to ask me who won?