jwalkernet

The Shady Twilight of Man's Past

Hey, I'm updating for the first time in nearly three months. Holy shit. Don't blame me; blame my Dell laptop, which -- right about three months ago to the day -- decided, "You know what? Go fuck yourself." It just stopped working for no reason I can discern. I've since been using an archaic old desktop my mom had sitting in her closest. But since all my templates and the programs I use for the rest of my site are on the laptop, I haven't updated that, either. So I'm making myself a solemn vow to at least update the weblog at least once a day. It's not like I'm doing anything else with my time.

But would I be able to keep this promise? I wasn't sure, so I decided to learn my future. That's right I fired up...

THE TIME MACHINE!!

Well, actually, I turned on the Nintendo.

Well, okay, I actually just opened my NES emulator on my computer. But, whatever.

For those of you who don't remember, about fifteen years ago, a game was released for the Nintendo Entertainment System by the name of Taboo. In the commercials, on the box, and everywhere in the instruction manual, they stressed that this was not for children: "TABOO is not for children under the age of 14!" screams the manual.

So, what is it? Porno? A bit of ultra-violence? No, it's a tarot card deck.

That's right: they released a Nintendo game that read your fucking Tarot.

Now, you may be wondering: "How is that a game?" Well, they're way ahead of you, because the manual stresses that "TABOO is not a game!!" Instead, it's a look back into "the shady twilight of man's past" (?) that is "your own personal link with the future, your glimpse into the unknown, into the future." In short: "THE TIME MACHINE ON NINTENDO!"

I can't make this stuff up.

So I decided to learn my future from this emulated game -- err, "Time Machine."

You start off by entering your name, birthdate and sex while some pretty cool music plays. Then, you must write your question. A gooffy-looking hand holding a quill writes all this stuff down on a badly-drawn scroll.

My question: "Will I be able keep this site running?"

Then, the shuffle the cards. Yes, they show the cards being shuffled. Then the cards are dealt.

My first card is the "Significator." I get the King of Coins. "This card is reversed," it says. "The situation at present is capable of using any means to achieve selfish or evil ends." Uh, sure.

Next, "The Crossing Card," which is the Nine of Swords. "Your immediate influence is suffering or loss."

My Crowning Card (don't ask me what any of this shit means, by the way) is the Two of Staffs, which means "Your near term goal or destiny is or is influenced by influence over others." 'kay.

The Base of the Matter is revealed to be the Moon: "The distant past foundation is selfishness, craftiness, or disgrace." Umm....

Past Inluences is the Four of Staffs: "Previous influences exerting pressure are the attainment of harmony, romance, or tranquility."

The Knight of Coins is my Forthcoming Influence: "Your forth-coming influence is able to conclude a laborious task." So...is that a yes to my question? Oh, wait, more cards to go...

The Where One Finds Oneself card is the Page of Cups: "Your present situation/attitude is studious and true."

Views of Others gives me the Two of Swords. "Your tendencies as viewed by others are return of balance or stalemate."

Hopes and Fears reveals the Empress. "Your inner emotions sense or will soon sense a wish will come into development or fruition."

And, finally, we get the Final Outcome, which is the Eight of Staffs: "The outcome of previous mentioned" --yeah, that's what it said, previous mentioned-- "problems will be quick decisions."

And that's it. Next, I can pick some lucky numbers, but fuck that.

If anyone can tell what the hell any of that meant (is Miss Cleo out there?), I'd be glad to hear it.