Friday, August 10, 2007

Rush Hour 3: review!

I haven't actually seen the film, of course. And I don't plan to. Because really, why should I? I can already tell you what will be in it.
  1. Chris Tucker will say racist things while acting in a repulsively stereotypical manner.
  2. Jackie Chan will do kung fu, while you can see behind his eyes his tortured thoughts: "Why am I here? Why am I prostituting my career? I have forgotten the face of my father."
  3. There will be many more Asian people, and they will all do kung fu. Because in Hollywood, if you're Asian and there's a camera pointed at you, you suddenly learn kung fu, as if by magic. (FRINAN points out that if they're not doing kung fu, then they're dancing, but I think Hollywood looks at Asians dancing as simply a variation of kung fu.)
  4. Jokes that weren't funny the first time will somehow get trotted out for a third appearance.
  5. They won't be funny this time, either.
  6. The plot, on the other hand, will be laughable.
  7. You will want to punch Chris Tucker. Depending on your tolerance, this will happen somewhere between the 0:09 and 0:47 mark.
  8. And someone, for some horrifically contrived reason, will say the phrase, "Do you understand the words that are comin' out a my mouth?" This is related to 4 and 5, obviously.
The best part of the thing, for me, are the TV commercials, which throw director Brett Ratner's name around like he's goddamn Steven Spielberg or something. "Rush Hour 3! Directed by Brett Ratner! Starts Friday!" It's not even "From the director of Rush Hour and Rush Hour 2*," either, which is understandable -- they call him out by name. Since when does fucking Brett Ratner deserve to have his name spoken at all, let alone as a selling point for a film? And are there actually Brett Ratner disciples out there who will flock to the cinema upon his name attached to the project? "Holy shit, Tommy, the director of After the Sunset and Red Dragon has just blessed us with more cinematic magic! Let's go camp out for tickets right now!"

Seriously, when you've been directing major studio films steadily for ten years and the highlights of your filmography are Red Dragon and a few episodes of Prison Break, you don't get your name in the trailer.

*My other favorite call-out in a trailer is a variation on that kind of name-dropping. I'm sure you've seen the trailers and such for Daddy Day Camp; they all proudly declare that the film is "from the studio that brought you Daddy Day Care." Which I guess means that none of the original cast or crew is working on the sequel. Which should tell you how awful it is, if the cast and crew of Daddy Day Care wants nothing to do with it.

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