Next he'll be saying I stole his library card, too

"I'm a reasonable man. Get off my case." -- Radiohead.

You know what I hate? When people accuse of things I didn't do. Like, for instance, stealing.

Tonight, a customer accused me of stealing. His driver's license, of all things. His story is completely preposterous, of course, but that didn't stop him from calling -- twice! -- to wail about this to my manager.

He claims I took his driver's license when I delivered his pizza to him last night and didn't return it. He handed to me when I asked for it, to verify that the credit card he was using was his. And I never gave it back. He didn't notice until this morning. And now he's threatening to "call the police" if any "fraud activity" surfaces.

Couple a problems with his story, of course. Foremost among them, it's not true. I couldn't have taken his driver's license, because he never handed it to me, because I never saw it, because I never asked for it. This part of our interaction took place only in the smoky, cold recesses of his own skull. The only part of his story that took place on this level of the Tower was me handing him a pizza. The rest is as real as his hair.

I remember this customer well. I don't know why, but some reason, he stuck out. I remember our interaction practically word-for-word. Clearly, he does not.

Thankfully, my manager's on my side. When the guy threatened to call the police, my manager happily insisted he should. "Call the FBI, too," he said. "Call whoever you want. He didn't take it."

I was standing right there, of course, listening to their telephone conversation.

My manager: "The driver is standing right here. Would you like to talk to him?"

The asshole: "Uh...no."

I'm just left wondering what the guy's ultimate goal here is. As far as I can see, there are two possibilities. He might be lying, but I can't for the life of me figure out why -- what's the point in claiming a pizza man stole your driver's license? I mean, it's not like he says I took his credit card or something. It makes no sense.

The other option is that he actually does believe what he's saying, in which case I believe a CAT scan is in order.

What's distressing is that the guy called twice. Once, to report the "theft." Then, when we insisted his version of events was to the truth as "We will be greeted as liberators" was to reality, he calmly hung up...only to call back three hours later; having scourged his memory, he had decided that yes, he had indeed remembered things correctly the first time.

Hopefully, this guy just goes away and never calls again. Because if I end up talking to him and having to refute this baseless accusation for a third time, I might get upset and invite him to kiss my ass. Which won't do anyone any favors.