Wednesday, September 30, 2009

We Interrupt This Blog for a Message from Our Benefactor: Kobayashi, Dragon-Born Time-Traveling Ninja Dog from the Future

Yeah, your usual loser blogger has decided to spend his free time running down polygonal pedestrians in Grand Theft Auto IV -- you know how he loves to stay with the current trends -- so I'm controlling the transmission. And if you're curious as to how I'm typing with paws, then I'll explain: fuck you, that's how. Any other questions?

Anyway. It's come to my attention that sweatshop sneaker giant Nike has renewed their endorsement deal with third-string quarterback/dog murderer Michael Vick.

Yeah, fuck you, too, Nike.

And I know what you're gonna say before you say it, so don't bother telling me about how he's paid his debt to society. So has Squeaky Fromme, no one's asking her to sell Whoppers. What's next, you gonna let O.J. pitch rental cars again?

See people, there's difference between paying your debt to the law and paying your debt to society. Just because you're out of prison doesn't mean you're done. You get convicted of a felony, you can't vote. You can't own guns. And you know what? You shouldn't be able to sell sneakers for millions of dollars.

Because it ain't like he's trading on his football celebrity for these endorsements. In the last three years, you know how many games he's played? One. He's thrown only two more passes than I have this season, okay? He's not famous for being a football player anymore. He's famous for being a dog murderer. A dog torturer. So let's give him money to sell shoes again! Gotta capture that dog killer demo, I guess, right?

This wouldn't be so bad -- I mean, it'd still be bad, but not so ridiculous -- if Nike hadn't acted so damn swiftly and decisively when all this went down three years ago. They severed his contract at the time, you remember, because animal cruelty was "inhumane, abhorrent and unacceptable." He had a signature shoe, the Vick Dogstomper 3000 or something, they pulled it off the shelves. But now -- I guess it's not so bad, is it?

Don't get me wrong: I don't think Nike is in favor of torturing dogs. (Just the kids in their sweatshops.) I think that Nike only cares about their money. They didn't ditch Vick because of all that bullshit about animal cruelty, they did it because everyone hated him. And now that the reaction to his return hasn't been as "toxic" as expected, he's welcomed back. Because nothing matters but the fucking money.

Cruelty is cruelty. It doesn't matter if he did it to a bunch of dogs or a bunch of people. He's a horrible, horrible person. And Nike? I guess you're horrible, too.

So from now on, I won't be wearing your shoes.

Not that I wore them before. I'm a dog. I don't wear any shoes.

But I could wear them if I wanted to, is my point.

And I won't be.

(Kobi's opinions are his, obviously, and don't necessarily represent those of this blog's author. Though in this case, they pretty much do.)

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